Okay, so the representatives from the Stupid Machine company came out today to talk about ways we can streamline our printing. Here was my goal: Stick a piece of letterhead or an envelope in the Stupid Machine, press a button and it miraculously prints. How difficult can it be? We were able to do this over at our old building with our very old printers; you know, the ones that had the hamster running on the wheel inside the machine?
So, let's get started. I explained the above to the two Stupid Machine guys. Whut-Waaaa... afraid it's just not possible...simple as my request was. Here is your 13, that's right 13!!! easy steps to printing an envelope. Lucky for me though, to print a letter, it only requires 12 steps.
Here we go...
Step 1:
Fold the little guide thingy in on Tray 1 (aka bypass tray).
Step 2:
This is where it starts to get really stupid. Pull the lever to open the bowels of the Stupid Machine. One should never have to do this unless there is a jam...Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I could electrocute myself! Whatever, if I live through it, I'm sure I'll never be printing anything ever again anyway.
Step 3:
See that little gray piece next to the yellow sticker with the "!" that says WARNING HIGH TEMPERATURES? Turn it.
Step 4:
See the little gray button on the other side? Yeah, the one next to the yellow sticker with the "!" that says in Korean "WARNING HIGH TEMPERATURES". I'm pretty sure that's Korean.
Unfortunately, my hand is covering another little yellow sticker with another "!" with a picture of a thermometer and a circle with a pie-chart that has red, blue and some wavy lines. I think it means the Stupid Machine will hit 360 degrees if the fan isn't on. Now, that's hot! Why don't they just put a picture of my chard bony fingers?!
I'm feeling pretty good about this so far. Oh yeah, if you can feel your fingers, turn that gray knob.
Step 5:
Close the cover and lower that paper guide thing so it can receive the envelope. Now, we're getting somewhere!
Step 6:
Even though it doesn't say so, put your envelope in face side down with the flappy-thing facing to your left.
Step 7:
Walk back to your computer and choose your "Envelope" button. At this point, you may have to go into your "Options" tab to make sure your envelope choice is #10. Note that you will also need to choose the tab that shows the envelope sitting in the tray with the flappy-thing facing right; it's okay...that's one of those nifty intuitive things you'll pick up on by trial and error. I can't believe how streamline this is!
Step 8:
Hit the "Print" button.
Step 9:
Okay, now run back to the Stupid Machine and hit the "Size" button.
Step 10:
Scroll down until you see No. 10 Envelope and hit that button. Note that the most used button next to "Letterhead" will be your #10 Envelope button. Guess they couldn't take it out of alphabetical order. Um...so far, this blows!
Step 11:
Hit the "Type" button and choose "Plain".
Step 12 and 13:
Note, I combined the last two steps cause my "smartphone" was running out of memory. Okay then, hit the "Color" button, choose your favorite color and then hit "Confirm".
Is it just me or did your eyes roll in back of your head?
If all has gone according to plan, you should have an envelope with some writing on it. Easy-squeezy, no?
I was going to ask those guys about printing labels, but then I thought screw it....I'll hand-write my labels with my inkwell and quill!
See ya!
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