Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Ah...the life of a public servant!

Okay, admittedly, I probably have a second-grader’s knowledge of some of the stuff we’ve got going on here at work. Right now, the hot debate is what will go in the Commissary/PX site.

There are three entities in the running. I tried to read the three proposals, but shortly into each one of them, my eyeballs rolled in back of my head. One of them is George Lucas and his museum of some kind of art. I should be able to tell you what kind of art, but I didn’t get that far. I saw a picture of a Norman Rockwell though. The other two were more conceptual and so I didn’t really grasp it.

You know, if you want to know how to fix a printer, enter your payroll, purchase a bunch of junk or travel, I’ve got you covered. The rest of it, for lack of a better word, is kind of that happy-happy-feel-good-cosmosis shit I just don’t get. Hey, I made the word “cosmosis” up!

Moving on, according to our Bylaws, whatever those are…I can tell you that I made a binder for them and put a sticker on the front that says “Bylaws”…anyway, according to those Bylaws, we need to have two public board meetings per year.

Last night was one of them. The purpose of last night’s meeting was to share the revised proposals for the commissary space. Then the public would have a two minute chance to comment on them, or whatever else they wanted to comment on. That’s where Poppy and I come in. We’re the timekeepers for the meeting. Sort of like Superheroes, only different. The timekeeping job is the most hated of jobs at these meetings; at least that’s what I’ve been told. Makes me feel even more like a Superhero. We need capes and tight leather costumes!

Anyway, what’s that saying...”Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one but they think each other’s stink.” San Franciscan’s have the rep for being some of the most opinionated folks anywhere…It would be safe to throw in words like entitled, NIMBY and well-off in the mix too.

Over 100 folks signed up to express their opinion. That makes for a long night at two minutes a pop. The meeting started at 6:30, the comment period part of the meeting didn’t start until after 7:00; you do the math cause I can’t. Yeah, the meeting ended around 11:00pm!

But here’s the best part. While we were sitting there, FFM-Laurie got my attention and pointed to a guy sitting in the front and she mouthed “MC Hammer”. Huh? Was she making fun of this guy? He didn’t even have Hammer-Pants on. I had noticed him earlier cause he had really cool boots on. A little later I figured it out…IT WAS MC HAMMER! The best part was when our Chairwoman of the Board said “Aren’t you going to dance for us?” I almost fell off my chair. Clearly though, they have some history. Say, did you know his real name is Stanley?

Look, here are his legs and his really cool boots!

Not just that, but we had ancestors of the original Mericans. This gal is a member of the Ohlone tribe.

She got up to speak, but I couldn’t understand her. For a second, I thought I was stroking out, but then I got that she was speaking in her native tongue. Bet that threw the transcriber of the meeting for a loop.

On the whole, the meeting was very subdued…okay, there was the lady going on about the chemical poisoning in her neighborhood and how her kids are breathing in the air…and how she wants a break on her rent. Call me crazy, but if I thought I was living on contaminated land and my kids were breathing in poisonous air, I think I’d move.

What else…Oh, I made Nectar-of-the-Beef-Gods over the weekend. Yeah, I had 15lbs of Happy-Beef-Bones and another 5lbs of Happy-Veggies. Took all day and ended up with three quarts of stock…now that’s a labor of love!

Artsie-Fartsie-Food-Porn too!

Home-Improvement-Poppy and I went to Home Depot on Sunday.

Here’s Artsie-Fartsie-Illumination-Poppy!

At this point, I'm pretty sure I was starting to bug her...heh, heh, heh.

She had a couple of shelving projects she wanted to do, which included putting shelves in my shoe closet. You might want to sit down for this:

I know, right?  It’s like Christmas every morning when I’m getting ready!!  You'll also note in the back there is the makings of a wine cellar.

Guess that's it.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

It's Hell Being Me...

You know, there’s something almost decadent when you have a day off that not every other employed person has off. Like MLK day yesterday. Unfortunately, the hard workers with Esquivel Grading & Paving weren’t as lucky as we were. I know that cause I woke up to this rumbling behemoth in front of Kasa Kecky:

I have to say, though, it was quite a show. I settled in with my coffee and Jax and watched them unload it and then cut the pavement.  Very cool.

See this guy?

His nickname is Booger. Wanna know why? Of course you do…because I watched him stand there and blow snot-rockets out his nose and then use the front of his sweatshirt to wipe off whatever was left on his face. You know he’s done that more than once and you know he wears that sweatshirt more than one day in a row…

Moving on...As you know, we had a HUGE football weekend. So that meant an “in” day for The Kecky with NOM snacks. We decided to have Nacho Juice. I’m sure there is a more ethnical word for it, but that’s what I’m calling it. Actually, there probably isn’t an ethnical word for it, cause it was your basic Velveeta and a can of Rotel. I know, how nasty and unethnical is that? Sometimes, it’s good to eat something like that, feel sick after and then not have to do it again for a long, long time. But along with that, I did make my pico de gallo, so that was the healthy part.

Jax-The-Cheese-Connisewer lubs to get her some Nacho-Juice!

No, I didn't give her any of that junk!

While endlessly combing the isles of the grocery store for Velveeta (I know, it’s where the faux mac-n-cheese is, only it wasn’t. It was with the real cheese…as if!) I came upon this can of shrimp:

I don’t know why, but this is so funny to me…on so many different levels.

Does the average Merican shopper really care if Merican’s picked and packed those teeny-tiny shrimp?

If you knew those teeny-tiny shrimpies were picked by illegals, would still buy them? Would you still buy produce? Hmmm.

What if those teeny-tiny shrimpies were packed by teeny-tiny 5-year old Merican hands, would you buy them? Just sayin…

Oh, and don’t even get me started on organic Fairtrade decaf coffee…I spent the better part of a half-hour trying to figure out if the decaf coffee I wanted to buy was decaffeinated with the healthier water press method or if chemicals were used.

Why does trying to live healthy make my head hurt so much?


Monday, January 13, 2014

Let's freakin talk about food-n-stuff!

While Poppy was gone those two-long weeks, I did a lot of cooking. So by the end of last week, I wanted to have someone cook for me and not in our house! There was talk of soup or burgers so we settled on Hot Pot at this place called Nabe in the Richmond. I figured it was meat and it was soup…best of both worlds. It was NOM!


That’s half Shabu and half Sukiyaki.

Not only was it NOM but they finish the meal with a rice porridge!

This Nabe place is pretty small and while we were there a gal from the SF Chronicle was evidently doing a story. She was asking folks if they wouldn’t mind talking to her about the food and would they mind having their pictures taken. I heard the weirdo-lady at the end of the communal table we were sitting at say she didn’t want her face in the pic, only her hands, cause she was a teacher. I guess teachers don’t like to be seen eating out. I figured, she's not a teacher at all.  She had a Fwench accent too...Probably in the witness protection program!  Bet she wasn't even Fwench!

As time went on, it seemed like Reporter-Lady was talking to just about everyone but us. WTF? Photographic-Poppy and I didn’t understand this cause we think we are relatively interesting and attractive people. Maybe it was cause I was spilling everywhere when I burned my mouth on the searingly hot broth. Hmmm.

Anyway, as Reporter-Lady passed behind me trying to leave, I pushed my chair out and trapped her. I said “How come you haven’t interviewed us?” I think she felt like I wasn’t going to let her escape, so she interviewed us and asked if we minded having our pictures taken. Mind? I want my 15 minutes of fame, man! She probably wasn’t even taking our picture. She just wanted out of there, I could tell by the scared look on her face…and the lens-cap on the camera.

Moving on...While Graphical-Poppy was with her family over those two weeks, they all went to see that Hobbit movie, except for Poppy. Why anyone would want to see that movie? Nose-To-The-Grindstone-Poppy was busy finishing Uncle Mike's funeral announcement thing.  I felt bad for her so I promised I’d take her to see that movie when she got home. She was so excited and couldn’t believe that I offered to do that. That’s love, baby!

We planned to see it this weekend. Did you know that freakin movie is 2:41 long!? That’s not a movie, that’s a life-suck! I think my love was starting to wane. I was able to doze off a few times up until the dragon scene. I do lubs me some dragon so I stayed awake for the rest of it. Of course, at the end, they left it open for yet another sequel. Evidently, hobbits, dwarves and elves live forever. I just don’t get it.

When we left the theater, so much time had passed that it was now dark-time. We decided to head over to the Mission for tacos. I also needed some tortillas for Sunday’s dinner of slow-cooker carnitas.

Can you ever get tired of tacos?

No, you can’t.

That brings me to my hunk-o-porkie…I’d been tossing around the idea of getting a slow cooker. My BFF has one and swears by it. So we bought one. We had a 7lb ham in the freezer. Not the pink ham, but the uncured-regular-old-kind of ham.

I wanted to make carnitas and I have a recipe for oven-carnitas, so I cribbed from that and looked at a few other slow-cooker recipes. I figured that mound-o-meat would take about 12 hours to cook. So I started it before I went to bed.

Of course, I forgot to take after-pics. It turned out pretty good and now we’ve got enough carnitas to feed an army. Good thing we never get tired of tacos, eh?

Here’s my last food porn shot…

Yeah, that’s a red velvet cupcake hat!

Going to the beach makes Jax a tired girl…


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My Womb Hurts...

Okay folks, let's talk about the science of the Lady-Bits.

Today is the first day of 2014 and I’ve got cramps…bad. This bites. Stoopid evolution/Cod shit. Whose idea was this? Why does it hurt worse the older I get? By this age, I figure, I’ve done my time with this bleeding crap so it shouldn’t get worse, it should get better. Personally, I should have got a special break (or free shoes from Zappos, for life!) for not wanting a freakin ankle-biter, anyway…

And then I had this epiphany…maybe that’s Mutha-Freakin-Nature’s way of punishing me for not popping out one of those germs with arms and legs. Isn’t that what all this plumbing is for in the first place? Got me to thinking how one-sided this is. So, I decided to consult my Internets to see what they have to say about Menstruation. I love saying Menstruation…you gotta say it slow too…Men-Struuuu-a-tionnnn. Yeah, see that? “Men”struation. Fucking men! (Accept any of you that read my blog…I like you). Okay, here’s what I found and within what I found, I will point out the messed up things about all this:

Menstrual cramps, also known as dysmenorrhea or period pains [really, “period pains”? this was totally written by a guy], are painful sensations felt in the lower abdomen that can occur both before and during a woman's menstrual period. The pain ranges from dull and annoying to severe and extreme. Menstrual cramps tend to begin after an egg is released from the ovaries and travels down the fallopian tube (ovulation).

[I was going to insert a picture of the feMALE reproductive system, but the picture thing on this stoopid blog isn't working!  I tried starting a new blog with a different blog site, but none of them are very intuitive.  It's like you were supposed to be born with the instict to know how to do it...like the younger generation is now.]

There are two primary types of these difficult or painful periods - primary and secondary dysmenorrhea:

Primary dysmenorrhea is the most common type and is characterized by pain in the lower abdomen and lower back pain beginning 1-2 days before the period and lasting from 2 to 4 days. There is no underlying problem that is causing the pain. [Oh hell yes there is an underlying problem. I’ve got a big problem with this whole thing!]

Secondary dysmenorrhea is characterized by cramping pains that are due to an identifiable medical problem such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids, or pelvic inflammatory disease.

Who gets menstrual cramps?

About half of women experience menstrual cramps, and about 15% describe the pain as severe. It has been shown that women who do not exercise experience more painful menstrual cramps. [it has been shown? By who? A man, that’s who. “Yeah, yeah, just go run around the block a couple of times, honey, it’ll be fine!”].

What causes menstrual cramps?

During each menstrual period, if there is no sperm to fertilize the egg, the uterus contracts to expel its lining. This process is driven by the release of hormone-like substances called prostaglandins, which are associated with pain and inflammation in higher levels. These uterine contractions cause much of the pain felt during menstrual cramps because the contractions inhibit blood flow to the lining of the uterus (the endometrium).

[Don’t get me started on that sperm stuff. But, a word about inflammation…in all my reading, and I read a lot, inflammation is like the #1 worst thing for your body. Second worse thing, interrupted sleep. So, we ladies are unable to control this inflammation and those of us that are pari or full-on MENopausal have uncontrollable hot flashes and night sweats that wake us up several times a night. And guess what? Yeah, and exercise should help with that, honey. Bullshit! See what I’m saying?...we, as woMEN, can’t control the shit THEY say we need to control or we’re going to die. What a cock...whoopsie, I mean CROCK!]

In addition, substances known as leukotrienes are also elevated during menstruation, and they may be a cause of menstrual cramps.

Women with delayed sleep phase syndrome are more likely to report irregular menstrual cycles and premenstrual symptoms, as well as menstrual cramps, according to researchers from Northwestern University in Chicago, USA.

Several underlying medical conditions are also capable of causing menstrual cramps. These include:

Endometriosis - the tissue that lines the uterus develops outside the uterus.
Uterine fibroids - noncancerous tumors and growths in the wall of the uterus.
Adenomyosis - the tissue that lines your uterus grows into the muscular walls of the uterus.
Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) - a sexually transmitted infection caused by a bacterium.
[Mmmm hmmm, penis bad, Fatass good!]
Cervical stenosis - the opening of the cervix is small and limits menstrual flow.

What are the symptoms of menstrual cramps?

Symptoms of menstrual include:

Dull, throbbing, cramping pain in the lower abdomen

Pain in the lower back and thighs






Loose stools [Yeah, really…we call it Period-Poo]


Bloating in your belly area


How can menstrual cramps be prevented?

You may be able to prevent menstrual cramps. Recommended preventive measures include:

Eating fruits and vegetables and limiting intake of fat, alcohol, caffeine, salt, and sweets.

Exercising regularly.

Reducing stress.

Quitting smoking.

Yoga or relaxation therapy.

Acupuncture or acupressure.

[How about just yanking out all this plumbing junk, that’ll solve all these problems in one swell foop!]

So, I’m talking to the BFF about all this. We came up with some really good points if men had to endure MENstruation and childbearing:

All business would shut down 3-4 days a month because of all the whining and crying, not to mention vomiting…and you’d get paid for it.

Booze would be free.

Childcare would be free.

Hysterectomies would be consisdered manditory after you have your last child; they would be painless and, yeah, free...No, wait, you'd get paid to have it and you'd get a year's paid vacation.

You would get a free membership to the gym cause all that exercise would make you feel better about you and your shitty body self-image.

Menanine protection would be free.

But really, the world wouldn’t exist today because we know that mens just couldn’t deal with it.

I am not an angry lisbion!! But really, you mens should feel lucky you’re still alive. We only have you around to impregnate us and to poke fun at…all the time.

Seriously, I’m just kidding…Whoa-ho her she comes, watch out boys she’ll chew you up…Whoa-ho here she comes, she’s a MAN-eater.