Monday, September 9, 2013

Guess what Sunday was?

PORKAPALOOZA!  That's right, it was a day for all things pork.  At least that was the thought.  Remember that half a happy piggy we bought?  Well, we're trying to make some room for our next happy cow quarter that we'll pick up next weekend.  In the deep freeze is a giant package marked "PIG FAT" so my job yesterday was to render all that piggyfat down...and that's what I did.

First, you cut that fat into chunks.  Put it in a dutch oven with some water:

There was so much fat, that I had to do one on the stove top and one in the oven.  The whole process took about 5 hours.

Here's what it looks like rendered:


and the final product:

I got 6 pints of Liquid Gold out of all that pig fat!  I thought there would be more.

So in Fatass' endeavour to become a sin Fwench woman, she quit drinking...again and is now taking a kickboxing class.  She's had two classes so far and loves it.  What's not to love, you get to wear those goofy gloves that you can't pick up your water bottle with and you get to hit and kick shit.

On Saturday, Fatass took her second class.  She thought you'd like to see a picture of the studio and how freakin sinny and Fwench she looks.

Okay, baby steps People! Fatass didn't get this smokin fat body over night, you know.

Here's the thing, before you start hitting and kicking shit, you have to warm up.  On Saturday, this consisted of running around the circumference of the studio.  See that floor?  It's cushy and grippy.  See those shoes?  They're not cushy, but they are grippy.  So, there I am jogging around the circumference of the studio with the other 10 or so people, feeling all, well, Fwenchy...when all of a sudden, it feels like I'm starting to trip...oh, yeah...I'm really starting to trip and now I'm going to fall...wait, I think I caught myself from going all the way wait, I...I...Oh man, I'm goin down...and hard.

There Fatass lays on the ground while all those 20-something-skinny-beeaaches run around her corpulent body.  The mic'd instructor comes running, like maybe he thinks Fatass broke a hip or something.  He asks me if Fatass is alright.  Did I tell you his mic was on?  Fatass says "Oh yeah." and then mumbles something about her foot getting caught on the grippy floor.  Finally, we're done with that stupid sticky floor running and we get to go over and stand next to our bags.  At this point, I'm pretty sure I'm bleeding from my knee and I'm afraid to look down for fear it will be running out the bottom of my pants and messing the sticky floor.

Anyway, the class starts.  I look across the room to the site where Fatass took her header and look at the mirror...there on the mirror are several of Fatass' greezy hand prints.  You could actually reconstruct the fall from looking at the position of the hand prints and then following the trail of the the oily prints that slid all the way down the mirror to the ground.

I'm going barefoot from now on!

I-Want-Someone-New-To-Play-With-Poppy's brother, Bill came over for the weekend.  While Fatass was busy making a different kind of ass out of herself, Poppy and Bro-Bill were playing all around town.  Since Bro-Bill is a handy kind of guy, we asked him if he wouldn't mind taking a look at the place on the house where all the wires come in from the telephone poles.  See, most wiring that comes from the pole, goes down a pipe that feeds into your house.  At the point where the wires go down the pipe, there is a hood that goes over the wires and the entrance of the pipe so no water gets in.  Well, some months back, we had a big wind storm and our hoodie thing fell off and that left the wires and the pipe exposed.  I'm figuring the first big rain we have, out house is going to short out and explode in a ball of fire.  Check it out:

Now we have House-Bling!  The other one was painted purple.  I like the natural shiny finish better.  It really makes that corner of the house POP, don't you think?  See in the background of the second picture how foggy it is?  The day before it was like 90 degrees.  We said hello and goodbye to summer in about 24 hours.

In return for Bro-Bill's expert Hoodie-House-Bling application we fed him MEAT!  You wanna see a happy guy?  Yeah, give him a hunk-o-beef and some mashed potatoes...

And as always, I had my little helper keeping an eye on me while I cooked:

She's just so darn cute...

Cow Bellas!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Parts is parts; pieces is pieces...

I've never found the penis very appealing to look at.  It always reminded me of a worm with a blow hole.  I know you're thinking that's probably why I'm a Lisbion.  True, but there are a few other reasons.

Anyway, Adventure-Poppy and I were out yesterday on a...well...adventure.  We went downtown to see that movie Elysium (don't bother...well, bother if you liked District 9..HATED IT).  Pajama-Poppy needed some new jammies.  So we hit Bloomies, Nordies and then Macy's.  After that we took the street car up to Castro for some Thai food.  Opps...I digressed.  So here's what we saw when we got off the street car:

Kinda changes your outlook on the penis when there are a bunch of them smiling at you, doesn't it?

Now, what would you call that:

a peloton of pee-pees;
a wealth of worms;
a jungle of Johnson's;
a posy of penis; or
a squad of sausage .

I could keep going, but why?

Speaking of low-hanging fruit, check out Roger's cheetah fluff:

It swings from side to side when she walks, poor girl.

Let see...we also took the little dog to the beach:

A girl and her dog...

Then someone needed a nap:

That's it.  Later.