Friday, December 30, 2011


How I wanted to spend all my flexible benefits money so I had a $700 plastic mouth guard made because I grind my teeth? You may also recall that Sleepless-In-San-Francisco-Poppy alleges that I snore. Anyway, I was telling Boss-Karen about the mouth guard and how Dr. Dreamy-Farmer said to keep it away from dogs. Well, BK's husband, GAF also has an alleged snoring problem and he bought a PureSleep mouth guard.

What is a PureSleep mouth guard?

It's a two piece-snap together mouth guard. Same principle as those athletic mouth guards where you heat it and form it to your teeth, only this one you snap it together and then when you bite down to mold it to your teeth, you jut your bottom jaw out creating an under bite. In theory, this pulls the tissue away from the back of the throat while you're sleeping and POOF! No more snoring.

Oh, let me finish the GAF story...he gets the mouth guard and has it sitting on the bedside table. They've got some friends over who have a dog and the dog disappears for a while. Later that night, GAF finds his mouth guard all gnawed on. Now he has to buy a new one, but they are so popular, they've upped the price from the last time he bought it, like double or something. BK tells me that it really works.

Can't hurt to try it. It came yesterday. I get out all the accoutrement I'll need to do the fitting; boiling water, paper towels, a spatula and cuticle scissors (preferably the rusty dirty ones we have). I heat the thing up and wait the prescribed amount of time and let it cool the prescribed amount of time...although, it still was searing hot when I put it in my mouth. Not to mention, I've still got those two temporary crowns that now I'm thinking are going to get sucked off when I try to pry this thing off my teeth. I got the thing off and trimmed off the parts with my unhygienic cuticle scissors.

Time for bed. I put the thing in my mouth. It's big, but I think I can get used to it. Nocturnal-Poppy comes to bed around midnight. At about 4:00am, I take the thing out cause it's bugging me. But did sleep fine with it in. Then, I swear, not a few minutes later PO'd-Poppy gives a grunt and I figure I'm allegedly snoring, again. Then at 6:00am, Sleep-Deprived-Poppy says "Kelly, did you take that thing out of your mouth?!" I sheepishly say "Yes." She says "It's working!" So I go put it back in. Both Poppy and I are amazed at how well this thing works. It's a miracle...even though I'm not sure I really snore.

But, here's my thought. If I allegedly snore because the muscles in the back of my throat relax that tells me that they've atrophied over the years and maybe I need to do like kagel exercises of the throat. Makes sense to me. In fact, I'm doing them right now.

I guess I'll give the dog my $700 mouth guard.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Christmas 2011...

There were dogs...

I know, it's a Jax in sheep's clothing...

There was a tree...

We made food...

We played with our food...

We'll call these my hockey puck rolls. Why doesn't my dough ever rise?!

We had some holiday art:

Niece Ashley had the flu so couldn't make it...but through the miracle of technology her head was there.

And the gifts...

C'mon...isn't this the best gift ever? Reneck Wine Glasses. Nephew Lucas is a crack up!

And to all a good night!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Whatever...

I just got the gift that keeps on giving for Christmas...A COLD! Why, why, why? Guess I'll be cooking with latex gloves and a face mask.

Seester will be here in a little while to whisk me away to McClellan Manor where we will start our prep. We do our Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. Tonight we'll make dinner rolls and cookies. I'll be staying the night there. Video-Game-Geek-Poppy will come to MM tomorrow. She'll be running some last minute errands tonight and then spending the evening playing her new game. I can't remember what it's called...Scrotum or something.

Merry Holiday everyone!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Let's go bowling!

That's right, last night was bowling night. It's clear that I have potential but I'm very inconsistent. Time to take it up a notch so I'm getting my own ball.

Her name is MooLatte! She hasn't arrived yet, but will be here soon. I wonder if they make cow print bowling shoes?

Merry/Happy [insert politically correct holiday] and Happy New Year!

Monday, December 19, 2011

I ate the whole thing!

Remember that conversation about Flexible Benefits? I do. Anyway, I got that mouth guard and two temporary crowns put on. Last week, I was eating a salad and a piece of the the back crown broke off. I emailed Dr. Dreamy-Farmer's office and Denise thought it would be a good thing if I came in. That was Thursday.

When I got there, Dr. Dreamy-Farmer's assistant, Dennis, looked at the tooth and figured it could be patched, but once Dr. Dreamy looked at it, he thought we should replace the temporary crown. They were going to do this without numbing me up, but once they took the crown off, just the air was enough to send me through the roof. So, I got numbed up. No gas though. Boo!

I got my new temporary crown and was on my merry way.

Yesterday, I was eating some Kettle Chips (lightly salted); I know, they're not on our Primal diet, but Dad was there and we'd bought them for him. I couldn't resist. Those are some crunchy chips too! I guess they were probably crunchier than usual cause somehow I ate that new temporary crown!

I know, gross. It's the one in the very back. It would seem that Dr. Dreamy put some filling material in the hole. I'm happy about that, cause I'd be in an excruciating amount of pain if that wasn't the case. So, back to see Dr. Dreamy today!

Third time is a charm, right?

I made some really good stew last night too. I've got a recipe for Guinness Stew. I didn't have any Guinness so I used a bottle of Anchor Steam Porter. I started to document it but I only took one picture.

More illegal carbs! I have such a hard time thinking the potato is a white food. Oh well.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Lazy Sunday...

If I ever reincarnate, I'm coming back as our dog!


Friday, December 9, 2011

Flexible Benefits...

Crapshoot or wise financial pre-tax savings?

I'm sure most of you know what a flexible benefits plan is...but if not, here it is in a nutshell: a flexplan allows you to allocate salary dollars - pretax - towards payment of family health and dental insurance premiums, as well as out-of-pocket medical, dental, vision care and child care expenses...blah, blah, blah. The thing is, if you don't use up what you allocated, you'll never see those $$ again.

Last year, Financially-Sound-Poppy had me "guesstimate" how much I should put aside for the flexible benefits plan. I called my dentist and asked how much work I'd need to have for the year. Turned out to be something like $1,600. So, that's the pre-tax amount I had deducted from my paycheck.

I hate going to the dentist and I managed to put this off until...well, now. In November, I fessed-up to Don't-You-Dare-Throw-Money-Away-Poppy that I hadn't used any of my flexible spending. That didn't go over very well. She made me find out how much I had allocated cause I'd forgotten. Then she said I had to use it up by the end of the year.

That's what I've been doing now since the end of November. So far, I've had one filling and since I had so much $$ I decided to get the night guard Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer has been harping about. I guess I grind my teeth while I sleep. That night guard costs $700 and isn't covered by insurance.


Prior to this, I went to Sports Authority and bought one of those moldable mouth pieces. I tried it, but I guess I snore a little and I tried to swallow the thing. Hey, how can I snore and grind my teeth at the same time? Hmmm.

Anyway, yesterday I went to pick up the night guard, but I had the sinking feeling that I was having more work done than that. I asked Dennis, Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer's assistant, what I was having done. He said I was getting the night guard and prepping for two crowns...and that I'd be there for a couple of hours!!

I think he could tell I wasn't mentally prepared for that. He asked "Would you like some nitrous." I said "Um, OKAY!" I guess I must have fallen asleep (okay, passed out) somewhere in the middle of my prep cause I woke up to both of them looking at me laughing. I suppose I either burped, was snoring or farted. I was too embarrassed to ask.

Anyhow, the night guard is pretty cool. Reminds me of when I was a kid and had to wear a retainer. Poppy wondered if it would help with my alleged snoring. I think it makes it worse cause when I suck in air, it goes through the guard and makes this really weird noise.

After I was all done, I went out to see Denise to get my next appointment and to figure out the grand total of how much I've spent to date...$1,583.10. Nailed it!!

I think I've only got a few teeth left that don't have crowns, so I'm only going to gamble away $500 for next year!

Keep smiling!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Let's go bowling!

That's what Dad and I did last night. Unfortunately, the illusive 300 game has yet to appear. Guess there's always next time! Per usual, after leaving the bowling alley, we headed to Taco Bell for our #8 and #3 crunchy.

Me: Dad, ever think about trying something different on the menu?
Dad: Why the hell would I want to do that?

After we left Taco Bell, I realized when backing up I had a flat tire. Not just any old flat tire, the tire was almost completely off the rim! Not exactly sure when it happened, but I can't imagine that I drove on the tire and didn't realize it was flat. Also, if a tire is low on pressure, the truck has a little light that will come on that looks like a flat tire with a big exclamation point on it. I did not see that light.

Now what?! I could use that handy-dandy flat tire fixer kit that Aunt-Kathy and Uncle-Ken gave us, but again, the tire is off the rim so that won't work. I know how to change a flat tire but have never done one on this truck...I think I know where the jack is. I should probably mention that this Taco Bell is at the beach and it's freakin dark and I don't have a flashlight...although there is a place in the truck where you can put one. Whatever.

Dad: I can change the tire for you.
Me: I know you can, but I can't even see the to get the spare tire off.

I felt bad for Dad cause he wants to help, but he can't.

So, I get the jack out and put it all together. Dad and I argue about the placement of the jack. Then I try to get the stupid lug nuts off the tire. That's not going to happen. Now what?! Let's call Bro-n-Law-Darryll...he can make it all better!!

Meanwhile, this nice young man asks if we need help. I tell him we've called my brother-in-law but he still wants to help and appears to know what he's doing. He places the jack in the correct spot and starts going to work...then mentions that he's really high and drunk. I say "DUDE, RIGHT ON!"

Then Bro-n-Law-Darryll and Seester come to the rescue only my jack is a flimsy piece of doo-doo. Darryll happens to have a headache and stoned-drunk-guy is smoking a cig which is Darryll least favorite thing to smell. I thank Stoned-Drunk-Guy and Darryll goes to work, only the force it takes to get the tire off is about to topple the jack over. I'm feeling really bad. Now what?!

Also, right about this time, a homeless man has walked by and then we get to watch him urinate in the parking lot. SWEET!

Let's call a towing service. Here's the thing, I'm not even sure Poppy and I have have roadside service with our insurance company. (Note to self: find out if we have towing service). I do know that we have roadside service with our scooters.

So Mr. Towing-Service-Guy shows up, takes my stupid little jack off and gets his 3 ton jack and changes the tire lickity-split!

Now it's close to 10:00, we're all freezing and just want to be home.

We all say our good byes and I pay Mr. Towing-Service-Guy $140 and I'm on my merry way.

I get home and Poppy asks me what's wrong. I tell her what happened. She's mad cause I didn't call her. I say "What would you have done?" She said "I would called our roadside assistance." "Oh."

I tell Seester this morning that I feel bad for calling them and that I wouldn't have had I not been in Pacifica (they live so close) and by the way, we have roadside service. She said "We're family, that's what we do."

So there you go!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Did someone say feather boas?

Not me; no way!

I was walking down the stairs this morning at work I see our CFO struggling to get in the front door with his hands full of diet soda 12-packs (Diet Cherry DDP, Diet Coke and Diet DDP). I opened the door for him. Later, I ran into him in the kitchen. He said "Well, there's my little door opener!" I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I just did my nervous laugh. Then he said "Life is all about timing and you've got it, Kelly!"

Who knew?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Lobsters and Red Hots...

I sure had some bizarre dreams last night...

My bed is on some kind of boat. There are big lobsters and they crawl up between the wall and the bed and get stuck. So I grabbed as many as I could. I think I caught about five of them and started boiling them. Friend, Jeanette came over and we were going to bring them to her house...and then...

I’m being escorted into this sort of plastic room with some seats in it. Kind of like a scene from the show Chuck’s Week Off where he’s at a habanera farm and it's a giant nursery. Anyway, I sit down and I’m going to meet this God like thing, but it’s not God, it’s just a really wise-creature-snake-looking-thing in a box. The only way you can talk to it is by eating Red Hots. So now it’s me, Poppy, Poppy’s Uncle Mike and Jeanette. Mike keeps eating all the Red Hots so now I’m throwing a fit cause we’ll have to get more.

The only way the wise-creature-snake-looking-thing can come out of the plastic room is if there are burning embers in the box…so now I’m walking around with the wise-creature-n-the-box trying to find Red Hots. I’m wondering if Good-n-Plenty will work. Now, I'm back in the group only to find that the advice the wise-creature-n-the-box gives is that the group will have to “let me go”; meaning vote me out cause I’m a bad influence on everyone. WTF?

Now, the wise-creature-n-the-box is a person. It’s a woman and she’s very nice (I get this sort of motherly feeling from her). All of a sudden, we’re in the middle of some police riot thing and they’re throwing poisonous smoke bombs. The Motherly-Wise-Woman and I are trying not to breathe and I’m wondering if she will die if she breaths in the smoke…after all, she’s wise that came from a box. So we finally get away, but then my nose starts bleeding and so does hers…a sure sign we’re going to die.

What does it all mean?