Monday, October 28, 2013

Happy Halloweenie!!

Here are a couple of Halloween treats:

Mr. Barf-O-Lantern!

Sperm Ghosts!


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Let's try to figure out what I enjoy doing in my spare time...

Poppy and I were having this conversation the other day about my lack of commitment to the things I try doing.  I start things, but never follow through...I figure I'm searching for the right thing that I enjoy doing but just haven't found it yet.  She thinks there is a deep-rooted reason why I can't find it.  I think I'd agree with that if I could figure out what that might be...a fear of enjoying something?  Seems strange but I suppose it's logical.  Maybe I'm just lazy.

Anyway, I started to think of all the its I've tried and not followed through with.  Let's keep in mind that I hate doing it after work cause I've got my whole home routine of chores and dinner prep.  I know, it sounds like an excuse but it's really not.  It takes a lot to run a household.  I also seemed to like to do physical its that will keep me from gaining weight and help me get/stay in shape.

Anyway, here are some of the its I tried...

Softball: It's okay, but it's like a two evening time commitment and I hate that.  I also consider this a "fat people" sport.  Not going to lose any weight with this one.

Golf: Again, it's okay but very expensive...and yeah, another "fat people" sport.  I can say this cause I'm fat!

Running/Jogging (with my knees now, I call it shuffling): I never liked running, but we all know it's the shortest duration exercise you can do that will keep the weight off.  I even ran a marathon once.  Now, that was a commitment!  I couldn't wait for the day when I didn't have to run anymore.  Now it's here and I miss being able to do it

Sailing: I liked it...on a big boat.  I took lessons figuring since I liked it I should learn how to do it...hated it!  The lessons were on a wee little boat and the gal who was in the boat with me kept capsizing the stoopid thing.  I quit after the first lesson.

Indoor rock climbing: Took lessons for that too.  Wearing that harness thing in your crotch is not very attractive.  I made it up the fake mountain only to find that I didn't like it very much up there.  Never went back.

Swimming: I really wanted to learn how to swim so I could do a triathlon.  I really did like it, but I couldn't get the breathing part down, plus when you're slow and in the pool trying to swim, you have to swim in the lane with the water walkers so you're constantly getting kicked in the face.  Never finished the lessons...I'd still like to swim in the bay, but where will I find time to figure that out.  That might be an excuse.

Kayaking: Yeah, I think I took lessons for this on three separate occasions.  It's fun, but very labor intensive and Tropical-Poppy hates the cold water. Besides, this was Poppy's idea.

Wii Fit: It was fun for a while but got really boring cause you're stuck in the house.

Roller skating: In theory, it fun, but when you get to middle-age and wipe out, it's not as fun as it used to be when you were a kid.  I'd still like to do it though.  Again, finding the time is an issue.

Yoga: I like yoga, but don't feel like I'd lose any weight from it.  Plus, yoga gyms smell like dirty feet and people fart.

Walking: Walking is cool, but you have to walk a long way for any benefit.

Kickboxing: That was my latest it.  It's cool, but again, the only classes are at night and there are only two of them and the Wednesday class, the instructor makes you pair up and if it's crowded you have to share the bag.  Not what I signed up for.

Bike riding: I love bike riding!  I don't know why I don't do it more.  I really should make the time to do it.  We have the power-assist bike so it's way easy to get all the way to work and keep fit.  I will do this more.

My current obsession is body boarding.  I want to try it...really bad.  I figure, it wouldn't be all that labor intensive.  Well putting on the wetsuit would be the worst of it.  I love the water and I want to be in it, not to mention it's right in my backyard...only I'm a little ascared of Ocean Beach and the riptides, which is why I figured I'd try body boarding.  The board is a flotation device and it would be leashed to me and it doesn't look too hard to do.  So, I figure I'll try this after we get back from vacation in November.  But, what if I don't like it?  Then what?

Die trying, that's what I say!  I will never give it up!


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

My life, as I know it, has come to an end...

That's right i'mgoingtocryPhone died two days into our trip to Minnesota week before last.  First, I dropped it on the concrete and the glass broke.  It still worked and I could use it with just a minor amount of bleeding.  But then I tried to perform some SOSwhatever update and now it's stuck with some black screen with an ican'tplayiTunes logo with a USB and an arrow pointing at the logo.

Here, see what it looks like?  Oh, you can't cause it's dead and I can't take a picture.  Even if I could take a picture, it would be hard to take a picture of  miPhone using the camera on miPhone.  Anyway...

So, there I was stranded in the middle of the Country cut off from civilization...okay from work.  Seester had brought her laptop so I was able to email BK and Poppy that I had no contact with the outside world.  Seriously, it was like the Zombie Apocalypse without the Zombies.  I mean, I woke up in the morning with this horrible feeling that all was wrong with my world.  And then we had an ah-ha moment.  Kind of like Oprah, but better...Seester has an iworkPhone so it occurred to us that I could add myself as an exchange account.  Since Seester isn't the slight bit addicted to her dontbothermeiworkPhone, I was saved and all was right with my world once again!

But now I've been home for about a week.  I wasn't due back to work until yesterday but I came in on Saturday, so I could plug miPhone into my Mutha-Computer hoping that would jar it from it's brain-fart, but no luck. After that, I emailed our HelpDesk.  Twenty-five emails later, bless his heart, and an email from BK and I'll be getting a new ilovemyPhone in a few days.  It's a 5C whatever that means, but the best part is it's PINK!

Thing is, I took a bunch of pictures, I've got a ton of voicemails and a bunch of apps downloaded on miPhone.  Not sure what I'll do if I can't get them back.  It will be a sad pics of Jax to look nagging voicemails to listen too and all my apps will need to be reinstalled.  I've even got a Secret Diary app that I've written all my most deepest darkest secrets.  What if I can't get that back?  I can't remember what my most deepest darkest secrets were...

I'd sure like to show you the pics from Dad's homeland, but all I have is the one Seester sent me.  Here, this is 3 generations of Dallmann's:

The one on the right is cousin Rick.  We also saw his wife, Judy and my uncle, Rob, cousin Jimmy, his wife Gail and my other cousin, Randy.  We've not seen or talked to these folks in about 35 years. We also saw aunt Marlys, but I don't much remember her cause my uncle divorced her when I was a wee-Fatass.
Uncle Rob is 92 and still has it together!  Cousin Jimmy and Gail still have the farm, only it's not a dairy farm anymore cause the big barn burned down two years ago...yah, you betcha.  They seem to be doing well, but farming is always a hard life.  Now they raise cows and sell them.  They also have a bunch of cats...cause you can't have a farm without cats.  Got some wild peacocks too and lots and lots of cow pooh.
Oh, some of those Dallmanns dropped an "n" on the Dallmann.  We can't remember why and it was taboo to ask, but we thought it was because everyone leaves off that silly second "n".  Basically, they've turned our name into a name of convenience.  Not sure why you would do that?  I think I'll change my name to Dallwomann.  Same thing, right?  What's the big deal?  Who cares if I don't get all those emails because people leave off that all important "n"?  See, there's a protocol to the name.  Whenever anyone asks what our last name is and how it's spelled, after you tell them you end with "That's right, two l's and two n's."  Easy peezy!
Are you wondering why we went to New Ulm, Minnesota? I know I would was my Dad's 63rd high school reunion.  Go War-Eagles...CAW, CAW!  That's right, not the 60th and not the 65th but the 63rd.  I guess they have them every year now since they are at the age where they're dropping like flies...biting flies! (They have biting flies there, did you know that?  I did.)  In fact, on the program they handed out at the reunion, they had blacklined a lady's name cause she'd died the week before.  Then we found out the next day that one of Dad's classmates was walking into the entrance of the hotel and fell over and died right there.  Sad, but really funny all at the same time.
Oh yah...let's talk about our culinary adventures in New Ulm.  Well, we can't cause there weren't any.  I'm not even sure this was because it's the Midwest, either.  As far as veggies go, they were deep fried.  Oh, did I mention the Nephew is a vegan. Yeah, he ate things like deep fried cauliflower and "lettuce" salad or "a nice" salad.  A few days into the trip, the poor guy was looking emaciated and begging for a bean burrito from Taco Bell.
We had signed up for the dinner at the reunion prior to our arrival.  I think I ordered the pork tenderloin.  When we got there they asked us for $10 to pay for the "light dinner".  Hmmm.  A little later, they had a table with a couple of chafing dishes on it, a plate of assorted cheeses (monterey jack, cheddar and colby)...Mmmm hmmm.  Where's my pork tenderloin?  Anyway, they said help yourself to the dinner, so I did.  Under the lid of the first chafing dish were Swedish meatballs.  Huh?  I'm not entirely sure what was under the other lid, but it was deep fried and had an orange sauce, which I later learned was a cheese sauce.  Someone said they were reuben balls.  Oh, man, we're off to a bad start.  I'll try anything, but those were really nasty.
The next day, we went to lunch at one of Dad's old haunts, Viegel's Kaiserhoff "Home of Those Famous BBQ Ribs".  Yeah, really.  In fact, you can buy a bottle of the BBQ sauce for $4.  Now, when I say BBQ sauce, I know you're thinking...Memphis style, Kansas City style, St. Louis style, Carolina style or Texas Style...but you would be so very, very wrong!  I'm pretty sure that New Ulm style BBQ sauce is a mix of Thousand Island and French dressings.  Oh, and they also bring you a cheese sauce with everything.  I'm pretty sure that is made from Cheez-Whiz, Thousand Island and French dressings.  Oh, speaking of French they also serve French fries and American fries.  I was trying to figure out the difference.  Maybe the American fries didn't have an accent or an attitude, but no, they are sliced and fried like a potato chip.
I on the menu was another item: "Kaiserhoff's Famous Sauerkraut Balls".  Now you know how much I loves me some saurkraut so I order them and "Ray's Salad".  When I ordered my stuff, the waitress asked if I wanted the large or small Ray's Salad, I wasn't sure how to respond, so I said "Well, which one should I have?"  She said "I'll give you the small one and and if you want more, I'll get it for you." Cool!  From the description of Ray's Salad, I wasn't too worried, sort of: "Everyone's favorite tossed lettuce, flavor-flect (flect? Uh oh) with bits of bacon, blended with Kaiserhoff's dressing (double uh oh) and crunchy croutons". 
My meal comes and much to my disappointment, the Famous Sauerkraut Balls are deep fried.  I don't know why that surprised me, but it did.  The salad looked like it had been sitting on the counter for about 3 days and that Kaiserhoff dressing is none other than the Famous Kaiserhoff BBQ Sauce, hold the Cheez Whiz.
Poor Nephew ordered the special salad of the day...something like "a nice" spinach salad with almonds, blue cheese and a raspberry vinaigrette.  Sounded pretty normal...the salad came and the raspberry vinaigrette looked like Red Vines melted down into a plutonium sauce.  No kidding, it was practically glowing.  The Nephew doesn't want to be rude by not eating it so he picked at it and then asked for a to-go box.  I didn't ask for a to-go box, but I did make yum-yum noises and full-tummy gestures to the waitress.
We stayed at the Holiday Inn New Ulm, which was very nice.  Odd though, the gal at the front desk was there morning, noon and very late night.  She was also very pale.  I asked if she was a vampire but she just looked at me like I was a freak.  I'm pretty sure she was one.  Inside that Holiday Inn was Torge's (for Seester: Tore-Gees) Bar/Restaurant and one of the breakfast menu items was a bowl of fruit and cottage cheese.  I loves me some cottage cheese even more than I loves me some sauerkraut so I was good to go with the breakfast.
A few more days into the trip and the Nephew was living on Power Bars, Gatorade and Hauenstein Beer.  He was almost delirious and kept saying he wanted a burrito from his favorite burrito place in San Mateo.  We did find a Taco Bell.  I can't remember where it was but somewhere outside Le Sueur.  Why were we in Le Sueur?  We were looking for the Jolly Green Giant statue, duh!.  Take my advice, it doesn't exist.  They do have deformed frogs though.  I read that tid-bit on my Internets!
On the last night of our trip, we moved hotels because it didn't occur to me how far New Ulm was from the airport and we had a 7:00am departure.  New Ulm is two hours from the airport.  I booked us into the Best Western in Eagan a short 8 minutes from the airport.  Now this was deee-luxe!  Eagan had tons of restaurants and I even found a chain with a vegetarian menu.  They were also minutes from the Mall of America aka, Great Mall of America.  Seester, Nephew and Dad hit the GMOA after dinner and I went to bed cause I'd come down with a cold...probably from cheese sauce and fried food.  They said the GMOA was A-Mazing.  I still don't feel the need to see it.
And that was the end of our trip!
Say, remember our happy cow?  His name is Bob.  I made Bobgers for dinner the other night.  I heart them!

Heh, heh.