Monday, December 17, 2012

Typhoid Fatass; Day Four...

What an adventure these past four days have been...okay, not really.  It can get really boring when you're sick.  Here's my photo collage taken from my sick-couch:

I call this collage "Why is this cat so close to me and is she going to scratch my eyeballs out?"

Why is she still staring at me?

If I shut my eyes, maybe she'll go away...

Make her go away!!

HA! You stupid dog, I am CAT...resistance is futile...

Futile, I say!

Now, look deep into my eyes...

You are mine and I rule your pathetic little dog life...MMMMWWWWAAAAAAAA!

Let's talk about Sunday night.  Project-Poppy had been working diligently on her holiday project most of the day.  She'd mentioned that our little mouse friends had become very brazen and were drinking out of the cat's water bowl right in front of Poppy's eyes.  Time to refresh the "Sleep-Easy" mouse traps.

A few hours later, around 9:30, we went downstairs to see if we had any "sleeping" mice; we didn't but what we did have was a seriously clogged sewer drain.  Ah, the joys of homo-ownership.

I kind of remember watching my Dad unclog our sewer drain once when I was little, but when he started yelling cause he was finding things you're not supposed to flush down the toilet, I ran away. Fortunately, we have his very old drain snake.  Look, it's so old' I think it's made out of depression glass.

Anyway, just to make sure I did it right, I consulted with my Internets.  Boy, we've come along way in unclogging sewer drains.  Now all you need is a little attachment that goes on the power-washer we don't own and within seconds, no more clog.  But I digress, let's go back to the 50's where I left off...

So this snake thing has instructions on it, but the writing is so small, neither one of us can read it.  There are pictures on it, but they don't make any sense at all...even Depression-Era-Poppy can't make heads or tails of them.

Oh, did I mention that Pooh-Pooh-Poppy doesn't like anything to do with clogged drains or anything involving poop?  Yeah, I'm thinking she's not going to be
changing my diaper when I'm old and feeble, but that's where Sydney and Annie come in...

Okay, so after about an hour of trying to feed that stupid snake-thing down the drain with no luck, I gave up and we both agreed we should call a plumber.  Dejected, I went back upstairs.

This just bugged me, though, so I continued searching my Internets.  I just don't get it, this unclogging thing shouldn't be that difficult.  I'm a Lesbian, for Cod's sakes; this junk should come natural to me.  So I say to Poppy who is now researching plumbers on her Internets, "This just shouldn't be so hard.  I'm going to give it another shot."  By midnight, I'd pulled out some really gross stuff, had Potty-Chair-Poppy flush the toilet and BAM...clog be gone! YES!

After I conquered the drain, it was time to go to bed.  So I'm just about ready to jump into bed when I see a big wet spot on the bed, up by my pillow.  WTF??

Oh, we've been down this road before.  As you know, our little Pee-Pants-Jax is a rescue dog and we know that most rescue dogs come with some issues.  One of Jax's issues is she hates to go outside and pee in the rain.  Because I was sick and not paying attention to her ques, she pee'd on the bed...on my side, no less!  What's up with that...I'm the Alpha, she's supposed to do that stuff to Omega-Poppy, not me!

Look how ashamed she looks...

Back to the Internets we go...A little baking soda, a little vinegar and all is good.  Except that every piece of bedding needs to be washed and I'm still not feeling well and don't want to go to the laundromat to use the large capacity machines.  I've spent all day washing the bedding...

Being sick bites!

Lucky for me, I'm going back to work tomorrow!!


Friday, December 14, 2012

Let's talk about company holiday parties...

Don't you just love them?

This party was a little different.  Why you ask?...

Yep, that's me, Santa.  FFM-Laurie put me up to this.  She called to ask me to be Santa.  She started the conversation with "I know you don't like people, but..."

It was a Hawaiian themed party so I'm wearing board shorts but somehow I look like Dirty-Old-Santa...Hey little girl, want a candy cane?

Fatass can tell what Fatass will look like if she keeps eating...

Here are some other folks that I have talked about to from time to time...

Santa and NayNay-Mae:

Santa and BK:

Santa and FFM-Laurie:

Santa and Lil-Johnny-The-Vegetarian:

Santa and her Seester:
And, of course, Santa's favorite elf, Poppy!


This was the best holiday party yet!

I learned some things about being dressed up as Ole Dirty Saint Nick.  Folks either really like Santa or they think the whole concept is just strange.  Personally, I find folks dressed up as fantasy characters pretty weird. 

But here's the thing, some folks brought their kids to the party.  Given I can't stand kids, I wasn't expecting this so when one of the little ankle-biters ran up an hugged my knees, it took me a little off my game.  Not sure what I was supposed to do so I petted it like I would Jax.  It seemed to work.  Then a couple more ankle-biters had to sit on my lap.  Still not getting it, and fortunately for me, Seester was there save me..."Why don't you tell Santa your name and what you want for Christmas."  I guess petting them only goes so far.  One big dreamer wanted a tree and the other a glow-in-the-dark NERF gun.

As for the adults, the most requested gifts were either a house or to pay off their mortgages.

I believe I made promises I can't keep...but, it's a cruel world!


Monday, December 10, 2012

Baby, it's cold outside...

Let's make a pot roast! Not just any pot roast either, a happy cow pot roast!  My food porn shots started out good, but then I forgot to take pics of the finished product.  Sure was NOM!

Since we don't do the white food, I added a bunch of veggies to make up for the potatoes.

It turned out well, but the veggies were kind of all gooshy.  I'll blame Less-Than-Punctual-Poppy for that, even if it isn't her fault...

Since we're talking about food and Poppy, take a look:

Makes your mouth water and not in a good way, huh?  I'm just not sure I want to eat this.  Pescado-Poppy just about drooled when she saw this in the store.  Another thing, the store she found this in was Pacifica Safeway.  I was kind of surprised by that.  They had lots of different stuff that our San Francisco Safeway doesn't carry.  Now that I'm thinking about it, my all-time favorite market is in Eureka Square...and that's in Pacifica too!

Since Adventure-Poppy and I will be heading back East next week for the holidays, we decided to open our Christmas gifts now.  One of Worm-Hole-Poppy's gifts is a brand new military-grade laser pointer:

Yeah, it's the kind that you can take out a jet if you point it right.

Remember how I said my Frye Dakota Mid-Lace boots would be the last pair of shoes I ever buy?  Surely, you didn't believe that.  I've been wanting a real pair of slippers.  I've not had a real pair of slippers since I was a kid.  They were these gross faux fur things.  Looked like a Troll doll on your feet.

  We called them "fuzzy slippers".  Anyway, take a look at my all-grown-up-slippers:

They're UGGs!  You'll have to excuse my hairy legs and white-trash toenail polish...but that's the nail polish that won the World Series!

So I'm laying on the couch last night minding my own business and the next thing I know, I've got a Roger on my back!

She can be very sweet...until her paw went for my ear...and then my eye, but really, she's very sweet!

Happy Monday!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

You can build a better mousetrap!

Before I go on about sleeping mice, I do want to say that I have been cooking.  Nothing too exciting though.  Last night, I was supposed to go out for dinner, but ended up working late.  I'd left Fend-For-Herself-Poppy with two T-Bone steak bones to gnaw on with some root veggies.  It occurred to me that I would have nothing for dinner, so when I got home I pulled out some center cut pork chops from our frozen happy pig and thawed them out.  The only go with I had was romaine lettuce and baby arugula.  I added some olives and Cheddar cheese to the salad.  Our cupboards are pretty much bare now...

Those pork chops are the best ting ever!

Okay, so we continue to have a wee little mouse problem in our garage.  I am convinced that they are making their home in the bottom area of our washing machine.  Some months ago, we hired an exterminator.  That worked for a while, but it was basically sealing visible holes and setting regular old mousetraps.  It became clear we needed something more effective.

Great-White-Mouse-Hunter-Poppy found these on the Internets:
The big deal with these is that you don't have to touch the part that gently makes the mouse go for the big sleep.  You could almost set these with one hand...and they don't snap and scare the crap out of you when you're trying to put them on the ground.  After they fall asleep, you just bend that top piece and mousy goes for a little ride into the composting bin. 
Since Tuesday night, five of those little bastards have gone to sleepy land.  This morning before I left for work, I checked the traps and there were two mice dead asleep...I was so excited, I ran upstairs and woke up the Great-White-Mouse-Hunter to tell her.  Funny, she wasn't excited as I was.  I'm wondering if we're getting that many because they've not seen this kind of trap before?  We'll see.
Great-White-Hunter...I assumed this was some big white guy that hunted so I decided I should find out...hmmm, where can I look?  THE INTERNETS!
White hunter is a term used for professional big game hunters of European or North American backgrounds who plied their trade in Africa, especially during the first half of the 20th century. The activity continues in the dozen African countries which still permit big-game hunting, but the "white hunter" is now known as the "professional hunter." White hunters derived their income from organizing and leading safaris for paying clients, or from the sale of ivory.
Figure it was the white guys that came up with this...

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Pigeon Spikes...

So after writing yesterday about Roger-The-Heat-Seeking-Cat and how Poppy made a nice cushy bed for Roger on her computer, I get home last night and what do I see?

An addition to the Roger-The-Heat-Seeking-Cat deterrent:

Two pillows are always better than one...and way more comfortable.  Where's her blanky and hot cup of milk??

This got me know those things on the entryways of buildings to keep the birds from pooping on you?

Again, I consulted my Internets...they are called pigeon spikes.  What a great idea and deterrent for our little cat.  Seriously, it would be a very quick learning process too!

Within a few minutes, I came up with my DIY solution:

I know, for you cat lovers, you think I'm being cruel (Renee and Laurie), but I put the nails in with the flat heads sticking up so it's not like she'll impale herself...unless she's really stupid; if that's the case, then it's her time to go.

Oh, c'mon...I'm just joking...sort of.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Toot Sweet...

I'll have Word Origins for $100, Alex...

I needed to turn a Purchase Request around really fast today.  When I sent it to the approver, I asked her to approve it "fast as a bunny."  When I forwarded the email to BK, I didn't want to use the same phrase so I told her that I'd asked the approver to get it done "toot sweet".  That got me thinking...what is the origin of toot sweet?  Mmmm, hmmm...let's consult the Internets!

Toot Sweets" is a song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the 1968 musical motion picture. In the film it is sung by Dick Van Dyke and Sally Ann Howes. "Toot Sweets" is also featured prominently in the multi-award winning stage musical of the same name which premiered in London at the Palladium in 2002 and on Broadway in 2005 at the newly refurbished Foxwoods Theatre (then the Hilton Theatre). The song was written by Robert B. Sherman and Richard M. Sherman (also known as the Sherman Brothers).
The song title is a play on words, a humorous Anglicisation of the French expression "tout de suite", meaning "at once". In the context of the film and stage musical, "Toot Sweets" is about a candy cane that has holes in it, making the candy playable as an edible tin-whistle. Unfortunately for protagonist Caractacus Potts, the "Toot Sweets" act like dog whistles, calling all the local canines into the candy factory (not unlike the Pied Piper of Hamelin), ruining the sanitary conditions of the factory and turning love interest Truly's father against him
So this explains why I did not know the origin...I freakin hate musicals!!  Seester got the musical/theatre gene not me.  Give me a freakin action movie and I'm good.
Now, I know it seems like I hate a lot of stuff, but I think I like more stuff than I hate...
I like:
Um...well...hmmm...I know there's something...I'll need to get back to you.
Besides minkeys, hobbits and musicals, I don't like:
the general public;
escargot (tried it Friday night; looked like mini-penises on a plate);
people who interrupt without saying "excuse me", "pardon" or "con permiso";
the sun;
bending over;
a leaky spout on a teakettle;
mouse poop;
eating dirt;
the saying "That's what I'm talkin about!";
having my boobs squished;
going to work;
those black birds; what are they? Ravens or Crows.  Flying rats, that's what they are;
emptying the dishwasher;
Roger when she's sitting two inches from my face and sneezes;
not having cream for my coffee;
people who ask stupid questions.
I'm sure there are many, many other things, but I'm getting bored with this...
On Sunday, me, Picture-Show-Poppy and some friends of ours went to brunch and then to see Skyfall.  Let's talk about brunch...We went to 1300 Fillmore.  I forgot the address so don't ask me.  As it happens, on Sundays they have two seatings, one at 11:00 and one at 1:00.  It's a southern restaurant and those two seatings are referred to as Gospel Brunch.  Why?  Because they have a band that plays Gospel music.  They also charge you each an additional $6 for said Gospel music.
Since we'd had a pretty good storm the night before, upon arriving to the restaurant, we found out that the floor above had some flooding issues and the power was off.  The restaurant was running on a generator.  The band started and near as I can figure, it wasn't the kind of Gospel music I was expecting.  I was expecting some wholly-roller stuff and maybe a little speaking in tongues.  I recognized one tune to be a religious song.  I know this cause I heard "Round young virgin tender and mild."  Why does Mary sound like an entree?
Food was okay.  My eggs were better than their eggs.  The grits were really good.  Anyway, for the $$$ we don't feel the need to go back. 
As we were sitting there, someone at the table behind me knocked over a glass of something.  NayNay-Mae immediately commented how cool it was that it wasn't me who spilled...the seed was planted.

Lucky for me it was just a dribble and not a full-on spill.  I have no idea how it happened either.  If you are wondering about that Bloody Mary, it is indeed a Virgin BM.  Wow, now we're attaching the word "bloody" to the virgin.  I don't like where this is headed.  Sounds like someone murdered poor Mary-The-Entree.

I discovered that a Virgin Bloody Mary is nothing more than liquidy cocktail sauce.  I'm starting to realize you shouldn't drink drinks that were made to have alcohol in them.  It's like a vegetarian eating facon or tofurkey.  It's not good so don't do it.  If you're going to do it, suck it up and do the real deal!

Speaking of facon, some weeks ago, before I became a virgin drinker, Poppy, Jax-The-Amazing-Barfing-Dog and I were at our local hangout.  The bartender was serving bacon bloody marys.  I had to have one.  She also asked if she could give the little dog a piece of bacon.  Of course we said yes!  But the I realized the bacon, was in fact, facon!  Within minutes I see Jax (who is sitting on Poppy's lap) projectile vomit that darn facon.  Told you she was a connesewer!  Thank Dog-Up-Above, she missed the bar and it hit the floor. 

Here's the ingredients for the facon:


No wonder she Ragen'd all over the place.  I'm not even sure I'd feed it to those little jerk mice in our garage.  It would probably make them mutant!

So, our Heat-Seeking-Cat-Roger just loves to sit on top of Pooter-Poppy's computer.  Poppy usually puts foil or a hat on the computer so Roger won't sit on it.  Here is the latest Heat-Seeking-Roger deterrent:

Yeah, that's a pillow.  Someone wasn't thinking straight when they came up with that idea.