Friday, December 30, 2011


How I wanted to spend all my flexible benefits money so I had a $700 plastic mouth guard made because I grind my teeth? You may also recall that Sleepless-In-San-Francisco-Poppy alleges that I snore. Anyway, I was telling Boss-Karen about the mouth guard and how Dr. Dreamy-Farmer said to keep it away from dogs. Well, BK's husband, GAF also has an alleged snoring problem and he bought a PureSleep mouth guard.

What is a PureSleep mouth guard?

It's a two piece-snap together mouth guard. Same principle as those athletic mouth guards where you heat it and form it to your teeth, only this one you snap it together and then when you bite down to mold it to your teeth, you jut your bottom jaw out creating an under bite. In theory, this pulls the tissue away from the back of the throat while you're sleeping and POOF! No more snoring.

Oh, let me finish the GAF story...he gets the mouth guard and has it sitting on the bedside table. They've got some friends over who have a dog and the dog disappears for a while. Later that night, GAF finds his mouth guard all gnawed on. Now he has to buy a new one, but they are so popular, they've upped the price from the last time he bought it, like double or something. BK tells me that it really works.

Can't hurt to try it. It came yesterday. I get out all the accoutrement I'll need to do the fitting; boiling water, paper towels, a spatula and cuticle scissors (preferably the rusty dirty ones we have). I heat the thing up and wait the prescribed amount of time and let it cool the prescribed amount of time...although, it still was searing hot when I put it in my mouth. Not to mention, I've still got those two temporary crowns that now I'm thinking are going to get sucked off when I try to pry this thing off my teeth. I got the thing off and trimmed off the parts with my unhygienic cuticle scissors.

Time for bed. I put the thing in my mouth. It's big, but I think I can get used to it. Nocturnal-Poppy comes to bed around midnight. At about 4:00am, I take the thing out cause it's bugging me. But did sleep fine with it in. Then, I swear, not a few minutes later PO'd-Poppy gives a grunt and I figure I'm allegedly snoring, again. Then at 6:00am, Sleep-Deprived-Poppy says "Kelly, did you take that thing out of your mouth?!" I sheepishly say "Yes." She says "It's working!" So I go put it back in. Both Poppy and I are amazed at how well this thing works. It's a miracle...even though I'm not sure I really snore.

But, here's my thought. If I allegedly snore because the muscles in the back of my throat relax that tells me that they've atrophied over the years and maybe I need to do like kagel exercises of the throat. Makes sense to me. In fact, I'm doing them right now.

I guess I'll give the dog my $700 mouth guard.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Christmas 2011...

There were dogs...

I know, it's a Jax in sheep's clothing...

There was a tree...

We made food...

We played with our food...

We'll call these my hockey puck rolls. Why doesn't my dough ever rise?!

We had some holiday art:

Niece Ashley had the flu so couldn't make it...but through the miracle of technology her head was there.

And the gifts...

C'mon...isn't this the best gift ever? Reneck Wine Glasses. Nephew Lucas is a crack up!

And to all a good night!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Whatever...

I just got the gift that keeps on giving for Christmas...A COLD! Why, why, why? Guess I'll be cooking with latex gloves and a face mask.

Seester will be here in a little while to whisk me away to McClellan Manor where we will start our prep. We do our Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. Tonight we'll make dinner rolls and cookies. I'll be staying the night there. Video-Game-Geek-Poppy will come to MM tomorrow. She'll be running some last minute errands tonight and then spending the evening playing her new game. I can't remember what it's called...Scrotum or something.

Merry Holiday everyone!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Let's go bowling!

That's right, last night was bowling night. It's clear that I have potential but I'm very inconsistent. Time to take it up a notch so I'm getting my own ball.

Her name is MooLatte! She hasn't arrived yet, but will be here soon. I wonder if they make cow print bowling shoes?

Merry/Happy [insert politically correct holiday] and Happy New Year!

Monday, December 19, 2011

I ate the whole thing!

Remember that conversation about Flexible Benefits? I do. Anyway, I got that mouth guard and two temporary crowns put on. Last week, I was eating a salad and a piece of the the back crown broke off. I emailed Dr. Dreamy-Farmer's office and Denise thought it would be a good thing if I came in. That was Thursday.

When I got there, Dr. Dreamy-Farmer's assistant, Dennis, looked at the tooth and figured it could be patched, but once Dr. Dreamy looked at it, he thought we should replace the temporary crown. They were going to do this without numbing me up, but once they took the crown off, just the air was enough to send me through the roof. So, I got numbed up. No gas though. Boo!

I got my new temporary crown and was on my merry way.

Yesterday, I was eating some Kettle Chips (lightly salted); I know, they're not on our Primal diet, but Dad was there and we'd bought them for him. I couldn't resist. Those are some crunchy chips too! I guess they were probably crunchier than usual cause somehow I ate that new temporary crown!

I know, gross. It's the one in the very back. It would seem that Dr. Dreamy put some filling material in the hole. I'm happy about that, cause I'd be in an excruciating amount of pain if that wasn't the case. So, back to see Dr. Dreamy today!

Third time is a charm, right?

I made some really good stew last night too. I've got a recipe for Guinness Stew. I didn't have any Guinness so I used a bottle of Anchor Steam Porter. I started to document it but I only took one picture.

More illegal carbs! I have such a hard time thinking the potato is a white food. Oh well.


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Lazy Sunday...

If I ever reincarnate, I'm coming back as our dog!


Friday, December 9, 2011

Flexible Benefits...

Crapshoot or wise financial pre-tax savings?

I'm sure most of you know what a flexible benefits plan is...but if not, here it is in a nutshell: a flexplan allows you to allocate salary dollars - pretax - towards payment of family health and dental insurance premiums, as well as out-of-pocket medical, dental, vision care and child care expenses...blah, blah, blah. The thing is, if you don't use up what you allocated, you'll never see those $$ again.

Last year, Financially-Sound-Poppy had me "guesstimate" how much I should put aside for the flexible benefits plan. I called my dentist and asked how much work I'd need to have for the year. Turned out to be something like $1,600. So, that's the pre-tax amount I had deducted from my paycheck.

I hate going to the dentist and I managed to put this off until...well, now. In November, I fessed-up to Don't-You-Dare-Throw-Money-Away-Poppy that I hadn't used any of my flexible spending. That didn't go over very well. She made me find out how much I had allocated cause I'd forgotten. Then she said I had to use it up by the end of the year.

That's what I've been doing now since the end of November. So far, I've had one filling and since I had so much $$ I decided to get the night guard Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer has been harping about. I guess I grind my teeth while I sleep. That night guard costs $700 and isn't covered by insurance.


Prior to this, I went to Sports Authority and bought one of those moldable mouth pieces. I tried it, but I guess I snore a little and I tried to swallow the thing. Hey, how can I snore and grind my teeth at the same time? Hmmm.

Anyway, yesterday I went to pick up the night guard, but I had the sinking feeling that I was having more work done than that. I asked Dennis, Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer's assistant, what I was having done. He said I was getting the night guard and prepping for two crowns...and that I'd be there for a couple of hours!!

I think he could tell I wasn't mentally prepared for that. He asked "Would you like some nitrous." I said "Um, OKAY!" I guess I must have fallen asleep (okay, passed out) somewhere in the middle of my prep cause I woke up to both of them looking at me laughing. I suppose I either burped, was snoring or farted. I was too embarrassed to ask.

Anyhow, the night guard is pretty cool. Reminds me of when I was a kid and had to wear a retainer. Poppy wondered if it would help with my alleged snoring. I think it makes it worse cause when I suck in air, it goes through the guard and makes this really weird noise.

After I was all done, I went out to see Denise to get my next appointment and to figure out the grand total of how much I've spent to date...$1,583.10. Nailed it!!

I think I've only got a few teeth left that don't have crowns, so I'm only going to gamble away $500 for next year!

Keep smiling!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Let's go bowling!

That's what Dad and I did last night. Unfortunately, the illusive 300 game has yet to appear. Guess there's always next time! Per usual, after leaving the bowling alley, we headed to Taco Bell for our #8 and #3 crunchy.

Me: Dad, ever think about trying something different on the menu?
Dad: Why the hell would I want to do that?

After we left Taco Bell, I realized when backing up I had a flat tire. Not just any old flat tire, the tire was almost completely off the rim! Not exactly sure when it happened, but I can't imagine that I drove on the tire and didn't realize it was flat. Also, if a tire is low on pressure, the truck has a little light that will come on that looks like a flat tire with a big exclamation point on it. I did not see that light.

Now what?! I could use that handy-dandy flat tire fixer kit that Aunt-Kathy and Uncle-Ken gave us, but again, the tire is off the rim so that won't work. I know how to change a flat tire but have never done one on this truck...I think I know where the jack is. I should probably mention that this Taco Bell is at the beach and it's freakin dark and I don't have a flashlight...although there is a place in the truck where you can put one. Whatever.

Dad: I can change the tire for you.
Me: I know you can, but I can't even see the to get the spare tire off.

I felt bad for Dad cause he wants to help, but he can't.

So, I get the jack out and put it all together. Dad and I argue about the placement of the jack. Then I try to get the stupid lug nuts off the tire. That's not going to happen. Now what?! Let's call Bro-n-Law-Darryll...he can make it all better!!

Meanwhile, this nice young man asks if we need help. I tell him we've called my brother-in-law but he still wants to help and appears to know what he's doing. He places the jack in the correct spot and starts going to work...then mentions that he's really high and drunk. I say "DUDE, RIGHT ON!"

Then Bro-n-Law-Darryll and Seester come to the rescue only my jack is a flimsy piece of doo-doo. Darryll happens to have a headache and stoned-drunk-guy is smoking a cig which is Darryll least favorite thing to smell. I thank Stoned-Drunk-Guy and Darryll goes to work, only the force it takes to get the tire off is about to topple the jack over. I'm feeling really bad. Now what?!

Also, right about this time, a homeless man has walked by and then we get to watch him urinate in the parking lot. SWEET!

Let's call a towing service. Here's the thing, I'm not even sure Poppy and I have have roadside service with our insurance company. (Note to self: find out if we have towing service). I do know that we have roadside service with our scooters.

So Mr. Towing-Service-Guy shows up, takes my stupid little jack off and gets his 3 ton jack and changes the tire lickity-split!

Now it's close to 10:00, we're all freezing and just want to be home.

We all say our good byes and I pay Mr. Towing-Service-Guy $140 and I'm on my merry way.

I get home and Poppy asks me what's wrong. I tell her what happened. She's mad cause I didn't call her. I say "What would you have done?" She said "I would called our roadside assistance." "Oh."

I tell Seester this morning that I feel bad for calling them and that I wouldn't have had I not been in Pacifica (they live so close) and by the way, we have roadside service. She said "We're family, that's what we do."

So there you go!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Did someone say feather boas?

Not me; no way!

I was walking down the stairs this morning at work I see our CFO struggling to get in the front door with his hands full of diet soda 12-packs (Diet Cherry DDP, Diet Coke and Diet DDP). I opened the door for him. Later, I ran into him in the kitchen. He said "Well, there's my little door opener!" I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I just did my nervous laugh. Then he said "Life is all about timing and you've got it, Kelly!"

Who knew?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Lobsters and Red Hots...

I sure had some bizarre dreams last night...

My bed is on some kind of boat. There are big lobsters and they crawl up between the wall and the bed and get stuck. So I grabbed as many as I could. I think I caught about five of them and started boiling them. Friend, Jeanette came over and we were going to bring them to her house...and then...

I’m being escorted into this sort of plastic room with some seats in it. Kind of like a scene from the show Chuck’s Week Off where he’s at a habanera farm and it's a giant nursery. Anyway, I sit down and I’m going to meet this God like thing, but it’s not God, it’s just a really wise-creature-snake-looking-thing in a box. The only way you can talk to it is by eating Red Hots. So now it’s me, Poppy, Poppy’s Uncle Mike and Jeanette. Mike keeps eating all the Red Hots so now I’m throwing a fit cause we’ll have to get more.

The only way the wise-creature-snake-looking-thing can come out of the plastic room is if there are burning embers in the box…so now I’m walking around with the wise-creature-n-the-box trying to find Red Hots. I’m wondering if Good-n-Plenty will work. Now, I'm back in the group only to find that the advice the wise-creature-n-the-box gives is that the group will have to “let me go”; meaning vote me out cause I’m a bad influence on everyone. WTF?

Now, the wise-creature-n-the-box is a person. It’s a woman and she’s very nice (I get this sort of motherly feeling from her). All of a sudden, we’re in the middle of some police riot thing and they’re throwing poisonous smoke bombs. The Motherly-Wise-Woman and I are trying not to breathe and I’m wondering if she will die if she breaths in the smoke…after all, she’s wise that came from a box. So we finally get away, but then my nose starts bleeding and so does hers…a sure sign we’re going to die.

What does it all mean?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Christmas came early...

Yep, a sock-minkey-n-the-box! Not only is the minkey scary, but even more so when it pops out of a box. It's cruel...but I know it was sent with love!

I wonder what would happen if I said I was scared of diamonds or one hundred dollar bills?


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Don't Mess With Texas...


Shiner Bock...NOM!

Critters...not NOM!


Thursday, November 17, 2011

...And the fun just keeps comin'

This morning I had a 7:00am dentist appointment. I guess I like to get all my body work done in one week. Anyway, this was for an exam and cleaning. Here's the thing, Seester and I were not treated very well by the dentist when we were kids. He liked to hit. I haven't been very regular about going. I'm trying to change this and started back last year.

Meet Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer:

This picture doesn't do him justice. He's got the whitest-straightest teeth I've ever seen; a smokin' body and he raises Guide Dogs for the Blind!

Now for the bad part...I've not had my teeth cleaned in probably 15 years. I hate it. It's about the worst thing I can imagine...worse than minkeys, worse than clowns, even worse than getting a filling; yes, even worse than a root canal! Because of the slight lapse in time since my last cleaning, there's quite a bit of what Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer likes to call "barnacles" on my teeth. What am I, a freakin whale? Don't answer that or Fatass will come after you. That said, for not having my teeth cleaned in so long, they're in very good condition so I should keep doing what I'm doing.

So Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer started in on the cleaning...I was trying to be brave but my teeth are so one point, I think I told him he was torturing me. This was while I was flailing in the chair. He said we should take a break, bless his heart. Then he suggested nitrous and some numbing solution on the gums. I was all over that! Note to chart: Kelly will always need nitrous and numbing solution for cleanings.

I also had the exam and X-rays. That didn't go well either. Dennis-Grace, Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer's assistant tried to knock me out with the X-ray machine.

I have not had a good day.

Oh, I saw this on my way to see Dr.-Dreamy-Farmer:

I wonder if it was a child of a baby-boomer who wrote it? Probably, judging from the little heart at the end.

Last night when I got home, I saw Zack-the-neighbor-boy across the street. I asked him to ask his Dad to give me the number of the Landlady for the raging-party-house. He did and I called her. I told Alicia-The-Landlady about the rager. She couldn't believe it! Those are "nice" boys. I disagreed with her. I said "They're not nice boys. They are self-centered little brats." So she said she would call them right away.

She called me back and said that they were very sorry and that things just got out of hand. Of course, I disagreed and said that the little turds let it get out of hand and did nothing to stop it and were part of the whole thing. I suggested that Alicia-The-Landlady call the Solvent-Young-Men's Solvent-Baby-Boomer-Parents. I also let Alicia-The-Landlady know that whenever there is a party at that house, no matter how late at night (or early in the morning) it is, she would be getting a call from me.

I'm still tired...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

It's not easy being pink!

So Sometimes-I-Hate-Being-A-Girl-Poppy and I had our lady-bit appointments yesterday. See, we do these appointments on the buddy system, that way we're assured we'll both go. That said, I've made and cancelled these appointments for the last three years. Bad Fatass, bad!

Let the fun begin!

Don't ask me why my toe is red cause I don't know. Both Pelvic-Poppy and Fatass had to fill out a questionnaire before the appointment. It asked silly questions like how much exercise we get and how much do we drink. Fatass just knew this was going to be bad.

Dr. Hall comes in and sits at the computer and starts looking at Fatass' stats.
"Hmmm, how much exercise do you get?" Fatass fibs and says "Oh gosh, about 30 minutes 3 times a week." "Hmmm, you really need to get 150 minutes a week." Near as Fatass can calculate that would be about 10 hours or something. Whatever! It gets worse "Oh my, 14 drinks a you feel like that's a problem? We have resources that can help." Fatass replies taking issue..."But, but, it's only two glasses of wine a night." Another lie! Fatass is getting more depressed as the minutes turn into an eternity.

Now the doc is typing furiously away. She turns the screen so Fatass can see it and shows Fatass this bar graph. The graph has this thick red line that starts at 2006 and goes up and up and up to the present. This evidently represents Fatass' weight gain over those few years. Then she asks Fatass if she wants a printout of her vitals. Fatass says "Oh yes, I'd love it." More lies!

Read it and weep; Fatass did.

It's upside down, so maybe you can't read it. Oh well, it's all lies anyway.

Not like this wasn't bad enough, but now Hooter-Poppy and I have to go to the third floor to get our boobies squished. They take you in groups of three. Fatass feels like she's in a heard of cows headed to become hamburger meat.

You may recall some years back I had reduction surgery. I now affectionately call the girls "Frankenboobs!" Not that I'm special cause I think they do this with everyone, but it's still really weird...

I bet you ladies can figure out where these go...for you boys, these little X-Marks-The-Spot things go on the little headlights so they can tell where they are located on the x-ray.

Fun times! First thing Poppy and Fatass did when we completed our afternoon of torture was to go have a celebratory libation...we deserved it! Oh yeah, this was one of the two drinks we're allowed for the evening. Liar-liar-pants-on-fire!

By the way, in looking for a spot for said drinkiepooh, we went into Clement Street Bar and Grill. There was no room at the bar, so we told the host that we wanted a cocktail so he sat us at a table. Then the server-lady; let's call her, well, annoying, came up before we even sat down and was grilling us on what we wanted. We said we needed a minute. She stood off to the side incessantly clicking her pen. Now, Poppy was already in a not-so-great mood, but this Annoying-Server-Lady was about to send my Poppy over the edge.

Okay, we finally decided on a drink, then Famished-Poppy noticed that there were bowls of chips on the bar. She went to the bar and before she could speak to the bartender, that Annoying-Server-Lady was on her like white-on-rice! "What can I get you?!" Poppy replies "Some chips would be nice." A few minutes later she tosses this little bowl of bottom of the bag crumbled up little tortilla chip pieces. WTF?

Needless to say, we'll never darken their door again.

I'm not sure I've talked about our neighbors across the street. The house is owned by an elderly couple who live up North. They rent the place out. When Poppy and I first moved in to our house last year, the neighbors house was rented out to a group of nurses. Very quiet folks. They moved out shortly after. Alicia, the owner, and her husband came down and worked on the house to get it ready for new tenants. Poppy talked to them. Poppy said they were very nice folks and just wanted some "nice" people to move in. We now understand that "nice" means "solvent".

Well, some Solvent-Young-Men moved in. Turns out, they rented the house to four students. This is their second year of college and first year out of the dorm. It would appear, they still have that living in a dorm attitude. The ragers are frequent, loud and go into the wee hours of the morn.

Our neighbors, Hodge and Kathy (and their two small children), share a wall with these Solvent-Young-Men and have been at their wits end for months. Kathy bought a white noise machine to drowned out the Solvent-Young-Men's music, etc. but she said she can't get the machine loud enough to drown them out.

Hodge has called the landlords and the police several times and I've been part of one complaint that was sent to the District Attorney's office because one of the Solvent-Young-Men threatened Zack, the 14-year old son of Hodge and Kathy. I'm not sure if this is the reason, but Hodge and Kathy have put their house up for sale.

Alicia-The-Landlord came down some weeks back to talk to all the neighbors and then to talk to the Solvent-Young-Men about their parties. She can't believe that the Solvent-Young-Men are having parties. "They're such 'nice' boys. There parents are lawyers." All that tells me is that Mommies and Daddies are the solvent part of the equation. Not ten minutes after Alicia and her husband leave, the little bastards open up all the windows and start blasting the music.

Early this morning at 2:30, Poppy and I jumped out of bed to the sounds of 20 or so Solvent-Young-Men yelling and spilling out of the house evidently having a water fight. There were balloons, water guns, buckets, coolers and a mini-van. They used the mini-van to drive up and down the street with the doors and sunroof open shooting water at each other. This went on for about a half-hour, then someone yelled at them and they disbursed.

This morning I spent a great deal of time cleaning up those Freakin-Self-Centered-Solvent-Young-Men's mess. Beer bottles, plastic bags and balloon detritus. Then, when leaving on my scooter, I notice a knit cap in the street and a playmate cooler that they left by the curb. Figure I'd take them. I get the cooler, drive over to the truck, put my side stand down, go to open the back of the truck to put the cooler in and I guess, my side stand didn't lock and I dropped my Buddy! Crap!! But the good news is only damage was a bent mirror which I fixed. Buddy was surprisingly easy to pick up too!

I'm tired!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Playdate, Schmaydate!

Okay, so the little dogs had fun!

But so did we...FMM-Laurie made a yummy and beautiful dinner of spinach salad, cabbage rolls, roasted Cinderella pumpkin and her famous cheddar-jalapeno-sour-cream biscuits.

INFINITY NOM! How come everyone else's food is so much prettier than mine? I need to do better with my food porn.

Here's the recipe for the biscuits:

Sour Cream and Cheddar Biscuits

1 ½ cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into bits
¼ pound sharp Cheddar cheese, coarsely grated (about 1 ½ cups)
Drained and chopped pickled jalapenos, to taste (I used about 2 tablespoons)
1 cup sour cream

Preheat oven to 425F. Whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a large bowl. Either cut the butter pieces into the flour mixture with a pastry blender or rub them in with your fingertips until well-combined. Stir in the cheddar, jalapenos and sour cream until the mixture forms a sticky dough. Pat it out to a ½-inch thickness on a very well-floured counter and use a 3 ½-inch biscuit cutter to cut six rounds. Bake on an ungreased (or parchment-lined, if your baking sheets are as “weathered” as mine are) for 15 to 17 minutes, until golden on top.


Monday, November 14, 2011

Weekend? What weekend?

Travlin-Poppy and I spent most of the weekend getting ready for our trip to Texas this coming Saturday. Also had Dad this weekend too.

We did go look at a couch at Macy's in San Leandro:

Why would we go all the way to San Leandro to look at a couch? Because that's the only "Lucas" couch in the Bay Area that is on display. We like it and would save about $1,000 given the sale, but Discriminating-Poppy isn't sure she likes the type of leather. It's called Bi-Cast leather. Don't ask me.

P.S. Measure twice, cut once or in this case, make sure it fits before you buy. Lucky for us, Poppy is so spacial!

Here's Data-Gathering-Poppy and Jax doing research on Bi-Cast Leather. Jax likes to help move the mouse around. She's a very smart dog. It may look like she's sleeping, but she's just concentrating!

Speaking of Jax-The-Cheese-Connesewer, she's got a playdate with Winnie tonight. FMM-Laurie is taking care of Winnie.

Wonder if she has super hearing?

Last night, Fresh-of-Breath-Air-Poppy was out on the deck and spotted something above the kitchen window:

That would be raccoon prints. It would appear the little bastard is trying to break in. I wonder if they make a Raccooninator?


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I got a new toy...

I don't know why Poppy is so nervous...

Well, the weather has turned cold and that means it's the Season-of-the-Soup:

Remember all those pork hocks we made? Well, that also made for some pretty tasty stock. So last night, I took that stock and added firm tofu, bamboo shoots, green onions, woodear mushrooms, some other mushroom that I can't remember the name, very thinly sliced pork and Shirataki noodles. To the bottom of the bowl, I added fresh spinach. Put the soup in the bowl added some soy and called it dinner! NOMMY!

Last week, I told FFM-Laurie that I'd be giving Jax-The-Cheese-Connesewer a bath. She loves Jax and said she should have one of those hoodie towels like babies have...

Thanks Auntie Laurie!

Bye bye...