I'm a little fired up this morning...I've mentioned in the past that one of my co-workers has some annoying, invasive and passive-aggressive behaviour. Well, today my co-worker...let's call him
Pepe Le Pew, reached a new level of vulgar grossness. Here's what happened...
I got to my office, put all my stuff down and sat at my desk. The next thing I hear is the loudest fart ever! Even louder than Jumbo-The-Elephant's fart at Marine World when I was a kid...I mean, it wasn't even like he had to lift his ass-cheek to get it out cause he's got one of those Areon chairs so it's got netting instead of a solid seat. Seriously, I had to go look (with my nose plugged) to see if there was anything dripping from the chair onto the floor. In any event, I'm certain he burned a hole right through his pants.
I'm telling my other normal well-adjusted co-workers about this and the reaction is "You can hear that all the way in here?" HELL YES! You should also know that Stinky is a vegetarian. He eats mass quantities of gas producing foods. One of his favorite meals he eats from his noisy food bowl (that we all affectionately call The Trough) is broccoli with Trader Joe's Skip Jack tuna. Skip Jack tuna is the cheapest brand of tuna you can buy at TJ's...If you go to Trader Joe's, I'm pretty sure you can find it in the cat food isle cause that's exactly what it smells like and that in turn is what's coming out is bung-hole! GOD-DUH!!
So, I started to wonder about the anatomy of a fart....yep, let's consult our Internets!!
Here are some
other fun-facts:
Chemical
Makeup of the Average Fart:
59% nitrogen,
21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane and 4% oxygen — all essentially
odorless. (Less than 1% is what makes farts stink.)
The
stench comes. from minuscule amounts of ammonia, hydrogen sulfide and excrement, which
can be smelled at 1 part per 100 million parts air.
The
gas that
gives farts that special stench is hydrogen sulfide.
The
more sulfur-rich your diet, the more your farts will stink.
Foods
that cause
your flatulence to reek include beans, cabbage, cheese, eggs and soda.
Beans,
cabbage, mushrooms
and onions cause a lot of gas because they contain complex
sugars that
your body can’t digest.
Throwin’
heat: farts
have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second.
Fill
’er up: 1
quart (or 600 ml) —the average amount of gas a guy with a relatively healthy
diet lets out every day.
14 is the average number of times each person
rips one daily.
Women fart as
much as men — they’re just not quite as proud of them.
At the
time of creation, the temperature of a fart is 98.6
There
are hundreds of slang terms for flatulence. Here are 10 of our favorites: ass
biscuit, barking spider, bean blower, cheek flapper, crack splitter, death
breeze, fog slicer, mud duck, spit a brick and strangling the stank monkey.
3 Things That
Crank Up the Decibels of an Ass Blast: 1) the amount of gas, 2) the force with
which it’s expelled, and 3) the tightness of the sphincter muscles.
Who knew?
Alright, it's not just the farting either it's Bean-Blower's whole existence. Here's how the routine goes: Stank-Minkey gets to work and makes some sort of beverage. I'd like to say it's coffee, but it's probably liquefied broccoli and Skip Jack. While having that he usually has a big Trough of salad or some other veg. About a half-hour after that, he has a smaller Trough of oatmeal...Hmmm, broccoli, Skip Jack and oatmeal...there's a recipe for a disasster-blasster. Then it's time for a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint gum. More chewing with his mouth open...that gross spearmint smell comes out of his mouth and permeates every part of our work area. Just writing this makes me want to hurl. It's not just the chewing with his mouth open...it's also the smacking.
Hey, it's lunch time...Today we're in luck, it's Swiss chard with the Skip Jack. After lunch, it'll be more carrots and apples, followed by some high-fiber dry cereal from the very noisy plastic bag that he sticks his fat hand in pulling out handfuls that he tries to get to his mouth, but misses. I don't even want to know what he eats for dinner. I can't even imagine what his house must smell like...and he's married and has procreated. How does that happen?
Here's The Trough:
See that red oatmeal container at the end? It's not really oatmeal. He's so stealthy and sneaking that when he's done with the container, he hides other food stuffs in it so folks don't steal it. There's one in the fridge that has his Dijon mustard. Thing is, everyone is so grossed out by the guy, who the hell would want to steal his food? I can't even stand to inhale around him.
Here's the best part of the whole deal...he finds everyone around him to be incredibly loud and disruptive.
Okay, what else is going on...Hmmm, not much.
I made a whole bunch of Happy Cow beef stock over the weekend:
Oh, and looooooook....
These are my new Veronica Combat boots...so pretty and soooo comfy!
Oh yeah, Saturday night our garbage disposal started leaking like a sieve. After some research....mmmm hmmm, on my Internets, it would seem it's the flywheel thingy and so it's time to lay the Insinkerator Pro 300 to rest. Our fridge had been making this horrible noise the last few weeks. When I got up on Sunday, I notice the noise stopped. Could it be that it fixed itself...oh hell no. I opened the doors to find it very warm and an error message that said "FF". So, everything out of the fridge and the freezer. Thanks the Cods above we have that other deep freeze. After 4 hours of defrosting, our fridge is back to its old self.
The new disposal should be here sometime today. I really wanted to get the "Badger" cause I really like the name, but the reviews were better for the "Evolution". I figure I'm going to install it myself. If my butchy side can't complete the job, I'll call a plumber, but I have every confidence that I CAN DO IT!
Remember I told you Nephew-Lucas is now a professional Ultimate Frisbee player? Well his first game is on Saturday. We're all very excited and ever so proud. Check him out:
http://sanfrancisco.dogfish.mlultimate.com/players/ He's number 35! Lucas Kenneth Dallmann, Lucas Kenneth Dallmann...
Okay, time for me to go eat my silent lunch.
Chow
