What's on my mind?

All kinds of junk.  For instance, I was in the shower this morning, washing my face and I swear my nose lost weight.  Is that possible?  Maybe my face got fatter.

Another thing...about a month ago, Fatass gave up the boozie.  Yeah, like forever or until such time she gets diagnosed with some incurable disease, then she's going to go buy a pack of Virginia Slims Menthol Lights and a bottle of Maker's Mark and have herself a little party.  But I digress.

Why did Fatass give up the boozie you ask?  Well, she's been drinking consistently since she was 22, that's right, her life has been one giant party!  The problem with that is Fatass seemed to build up a tolerance to the effects of the nectar-o-the-gods and wouldn't you know it, by the age of 50, she could slam down a bottle of wine or two in an evening and have no ill effect.  Now, I'm not saying that Fatass is...well...(whisper when you say it)...an alcoholic; She just likes mind-altering things.  If it wasn't smoking, it was drinking...or both.  You're probably thinking "Wow, lucky for Fatass, she never got into crack or black tar heroin."  Oh, alright, that was me thinking that.

Now, Fatass has done lots of research (mostly on the Internets and a few books) on the subject of addiction.  She doesn't have an addictive personality, she's got a chemical imbalance which is caused by the drink (or formerly, the cigs).  Evidently, she just likes being high.  Take a way the boozy and you take away the chemical imbalance.  Kind of like Samson and his locks, only different...really different; I checked out that story on the Internets just to make sure I was referencing the right person.  Here are a few excerpts:

Requirements were set up by the Angel of the Lord that Manoah's wife (as well as the child) were to abstain from all alcoholic beverages (little drunk!), and her promised child was not to shave or cut his hair. He was to be a “Nazirite” from birth.

...Delilah calls for a servant to shave Samson's seven locks.  Since that breaks the Nazirite oath, God leaves him, and Samson is captured by the Philistines, who blind him. After being blinded, Samson is brought to Gaza, imprisoned, and put to work grinding grain.

Oh really??  Do people believe this malarkey?  Besides that, the dude only had 7 locks and that must have looked really weird.

I say who needs college when you've got the Internets and books?! Isn't this all so interesting?

Now that Fatass is just regular folk, she has started to notice lots of stuff.  Such as, we know, boozie is just empty calories....lots of calories.  Fatass thinks this is a major contributor to her girth, well that and being 50.  Now that a boozie-free month has passed and that means about 500 or so empty calories a day that Fatass isn't consuming, Fatass keeps expecting to wake up a Sin Fwench Woman; it hasn't happened...yet.  It's coming though, she can feel it.  I'm pretty sure this why her nose feels smaller.

I've always been a klutzy (but happy) drunk.  Seriously, I'm surprised my peeps haven't given me a sippy cup.  Come to find out though, I'm just plain klutzy.  I've been spilling all over myself even without the drink.  The last thing I spilled was a very hot cup of tea on my lap.  Ouch.  I'm hoping for a sippy cup and bib for Christmas!

You know what they say about being sober and hanging out with drunks?  I don't really remember what they say, but it's not like I thought it would be, probably because I was the one who was always the drunk. What else...Oh, I've been sleeping really good and I wake up early, just like I use too.  I feel dizzy a lot, but that can be something separate...like that incurable disease I was referring to earlier.

I had my first sober Thanksgiving...it was just like every other Thanksgiving, except I remembered the event the next day.

Remember how I want to be a Superhero?  Well that and a stay-at-home-mom.  Part of my personality that I inherited from my Dad was a wee negative side.  You know how you have "self-talk"?  My self-talk isn't always positive, especially when it comes to change or doing what's best for me.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't tell me to do bad things like light ants on fire with a magnifying glass, pull the wings off of flies or other bad things.  That would be wrong.  Anyway, in my research, this is referred to as The Ego.  The Ego is bad and we know Fatass is good.  So I decided to give The Ego a better name and a face.

Behold, the NEGIMONSTER:

Oh, wait, that's Hanky-The-Christmas-Pooh...

Here we go:

Yeah, that's Fatass' negative alter-ego.  So now that it has a name and a face, Fatass can conquer it and then use her powers for good!

Stay tuned, there's some exciting stuff coming Sooper-Fatass' way!

Cheers!