Sunday, May 3, 2015

Oh fine, I'll start writing again so get off my back!!

Let's see, what's new with me?

Well, most of you know about the "SCOOTER ACCIDENT OF 2014". It had been well publicized on social media. I mean, it didn't go viral or anything, but that was because I had issues with my branding. Whatever, I don't even know what "viral" is, other than they won't give you drugs for it.

Anyway, here's where we are...After about 8 months or so of having this crappy, gnawing pain in my shoulder and noticing that this wasn't healing like it did twenty years ago, I decided to go see the doc.  Okay, he's not really a doc, he's a physician's assistant. Not that I have anything against a PA. After all, I've worked with some kick-ass paralegals for like a quarter century and I've seen some really good work that they rarely got credit for.  Don't be thinking for a second that I'm all passive-aggressive on the BK, cause I'm not including her in that statement. The BK has even given bonuses for outstanding work.

All that said, in this instance and David-The-PA did say I was on the cusp of surgery, but really thought the collarbone would heal, but no such luck. So, my healing halted shortly after the SCOOTER ACCIDENT OF 2014 and here's what I'm left with:

Surgery is scheduled for May 19. I'll be down and in a sling for two weeks or so. For the surgery, Dr. K (I'm pretty sure he's a real surgeon) will be taking a little somethin somethin from another part of my body to fill in the gap. He'll straighten it all out and throw a titanium plate on it with three screws on each side. You know, I'm allergic to any metal that isn't gold.  I breakout in a huge rash. I wonder if I'll breakout in a rash inside my body? Guess we'll find out. The fun part is that I won't be able to do anything for the next nine months. No skateboarding, no trampolining, no NASCAR racing, no fun!

A word about the surgeon. When they set up a consultation with Dr. K, I went on Kaiser's website to read about the guy.  He seemed okay. When Patient-Advocate-Poppy and I showed up for the appointment, everything was fine and then the clock started ticking...fifteen minutes late, no big deal. Now it's a half-hour after my appointment and we're still sitting in the waiting room and I'm thinking they forgot me. I go up to the nice lady at the counter just to make sure.  Nope, Dr. K is running "just a little" late.  After an hour, we're still f-ing sitting there.  After a few more minutes, we finally get called in.  The nurse is very apologetic and I totally get it's not her fault.  But I'm fuming. She says "I apologize for Dr. K being late." I say "Well, my time is just as important as his, how about I show up an hour late to my next appointment, I'm sure that will be fine, right?" She laughed and said "Well, maybe 10 minutes late." Then basically tells me this Dr. K suffers from serial tardiness and this hour wait was the norm.  WTF?? Someone isn't making points with me and yet, I don't want to say anything cause I don't want him spitting inside my collarbone or leaving a sponge or something.

Serial-Tardy-Dr. K comes in and starts yacking at us.  I'm noticing that he's one of those closed-eye talkers. Like his eyes were closed more than they were open the whole time we were there. Now, I'm really not feeling good about this. Then he grabs his cell phone out of his pocket and says "I need to take this." and walks out of the room.  Again, WTF? Pissed-Patient-Advocate-Poppy and I just look at each other as if this can't really be happening. I mention to Poppy that I sure as hell hope this guy keeps his eyes open during surgery.  Anyway, the dude comes back after like 10 minutes. Blah, blah, blah. I spend the next week trying to find out when I get the stupid surgery.

Now the point of the whole story here is that for those of you that know me, know I'm not a very good patient and find it hard to sit still.  So, to make my recuperation more comfortable and to try to keep me immobile, here's what I bought:

Yep, that's a genuine Hanky Pinky Forever Lazy!! Note the matching headband that I happen to have from House of Air when I went trampolining before I didn't know my arm wasn't attached to my body. The best part is, not only can I zip up my arm inside, but there is a zipper in the back for ease of the tinkling.  Speaking of, we're in a drought...If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down, damn it!

What else?  Oh, we got a new addition to our little family.  Her name is Jill.  Here she is being the fearless huntress that she is.  She's hot on the trail of a fly!!

This one looks like she's looking to the heavens to see if the Gods will give her the goddamn fly!

She's blending in well but it's taking time for her to warm up to Baby-J. Baby-J does her best not to make eye contact.

Let's see...I started fermenting things.  I've made sauerkraut and pickles and I'm happy to report that nobody has died.  Now I'm making Kombucha. I love the stuff, but this shit is weird and needs babysitting. I sure hope it tastes better than it looks cause it looks like...well, I don't want to say other than it involves a productive cough.

So, that's the SCOBY.  SCOBY is an acronym for Symbiotic Colony Of Bacteria. Oh NOM! I've nicknamed it Scooby.  Makes me feel better to think about a cartoon character while consuming my bacteria.

That's all for now!

1 comment: