Hi Friends!

Let's talk about the bathroom at work...

See the deadbolt? It works much like the bathroom door on an airplane. You shut the door, flip the lock and the red "Occupied" sign shows on the outside of the door.  That's all well and good, unless you forget to flip the lock.

I've forgotten to flip the lock about 5 times since we moved into this building. The first time, one of my coworkers opened the door, I screamed and she said with a very sickened look on her face "Oh my God!" Awkward. The second time it happened, another coworker walked in on me. She was so nonplussed by it, I thought she was going to come in and wait until I was done.  Of course, I screamed like a little girl. I've had a few more occurrences where I just didn't realize that I forgot to flip the lock and it went unnoticed.  Today, as I was sitting there, I saw that I forgot to flip the lock and in a moment of panic, I jumped up, mid-stream, to lock the door.  I don't recommend this because it's as equally embarrassing. Jeans take a forever to dry!

I sent this to my BFF. I see this stuff on Facebook. I don't want you thinking I'm searching the Internets for this kind of crap to make me feel better when I'm all sad-sacky. I mean, really, how can he catch me wearing all those blankets? How can he hold me; he's dead. When I cry, I usually use my sleeve to wipe my tears or if I'm really sad, I let Jax lick them. I know, that seems odd, but it makes me feel better and she gets some electrolytes.  Oh, and I know for damn sure he didn't put me back together cause Dr. K did!

Anyway, I get a response from BFF that says:

When I puke...
HE HOLDS MY HAIR UP.

Later!

I got a wild hair up my ass...

And speaking of that wild hair...what's up with some of you menfolk (okay and some of you women folk) with the big bushy eyebrows, nose hair and ear hair? I get as part of getting old and stuff that it all grows bigger and faster, but geez!  For example, Nightly-News-Poppy and I were watching the news last night and they were interviewing Jeb.

Now, I don't know if it's cause we have the big screen and that HD junk, but damn, he's got some bushy (get it, bushy??) eyebrows and nose hair so long you could braid it. I know they make eyebrow thinners and nose hair clippers. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does.

Moving on...I-Like-Old-Shit-Poppy and I hit a couple of antique stores this weekend.  Meet Audrey-The-Goat. I love her!

Then I saw this:

A brood of Buddhas? A gaggle of garden Buddhas? A band of Buddhas? Anyway, I felt all spiritual when I walked buy them, but then it passed...just like gas.

I will leave you with this...

Chow.

Yeah, I suck...

I've not been writing as much as I've wanted too, but geez, I've been a little busy with this stupid collarbone thing...Cut me some slack, wouldja?

Speaking of, today is my one month anniversary since surgery. My healing is coming right along. That said, there is a wee bit of pain associated with this surgery. The doc put me on Oxycodone after the surgery, and here's where my story begins...I ran out of my happy-feel-good-pills this past Saturday. Given I have a slight issue with addiction, I thought I'd try to get off those everything-is-roses-and-sunshine pills.  I was doing okay until Monday when I left for work. By the time I got to work, I was in a world of hurt that the 4 Aleve I'd taken wasn't helping one little bit. So, I caved and sent my friend, David-The-Physician-Assistant an email to get more of my new BFF, Oxy. I know, I should have called, but I hate the phone. A few hours later I still hadn't heard anything from David-The-PA, so I emailed my regular doc. She emailed me right back and said to give David-The-PA a call.  Oh fine...

The thing I love about Kaiser, is that you can do just about anything with them online...except getting narcotics. To get those, you get the old-fashioned paper prescription and then take it to the pharmacy and wait...and wait...and wait. Kind of like when you were a kid waiting for Christmas morning, only different.

Okay, so first I have to solve the problem of getting myself to Kaiser cause I can't freakin drive! Luckily, Chauffeur-and-Schleper-Poppy drove Miss FrankenDaisy to work so she was able to give me a ride Kaiser. From there I'd have to find my way home by public transport...and that's a whole different story for some other time.

Anyway, she drops me off and as I'm walking in the big automatic doors of Kaiser, this Little-Turdlette-Overactive-Sticky-Snotty-Tasmanian-Devil-Thing decides he's going to run inside the doorway with me and try to jump up and touch the door jam, only he misses and body slams me right in my newly renovated collarbone. Well, it was more like my elbow, but it's all attached to the same thing. It hurt so bad I'm pretty sure I pee'd in my pants a little.

You know that look on a great white shark right before it goes in the for the kill...the one where the white cover goes over it's eyeballs and it rips the crap out of its prey? Yeah, that was me, only with a mouth like a longshoreman. I can't even remember what came out of my mouth. I know there were a bunch of  "F__K!s" and one "YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE". I guess it was loud enough for folks to stop dead in their tracks and look my way.

This little creep also had an older brother with him and what I assume to be his Hipster-Complacent-Baby-Talking-Parent-Magazine-Reading-Reverse-Psychology-Using-Fully-Manipulated-By-His-Little-Shit-Kids-Dad. Now I'm staring at the freakin Dad looking at him like WTF?? The guy looks at his evil offspring, points at his own arm and says "Be careful, she's in a..." and the little freak was long gone trying to mow down some poor unsuspecting blue-hair in a walker.

Here's the thing, after all the cautioning from David-The-PA on how I can't drive, I can't ride a bike, I can't pick my nose or even lift a coffee cup; how ironic would that have been if my collarbone got messed up by some rug-rat right at Kaiser? Whatever.

I get my scrip and I take it to the cattle call pharmacy. I stand in the "drop-off" line for 15 minutes...Have I mentioned how much pain I'm in since Malicious-Marvin bashed into me? Bastard.  Okay, so I go sit down and wait for my name to show up on the board.

Then out of the corner of my eyeball, I see this four-foot tall-whirling-blob-of-bad-seed come whizzing into the pharmacy raising all kinds of hell.

Here they are fingering all the vitamins:

The offender is in the yellow t-shirt. The other is his not-quite-as-off-the-charts-hyper-brother.

Here they are fingering all the gloves, masks and hand sanitizer:

Next thing I know, they've both started running up and down all the isles of chairs. It's like I'm watching this in slow motion...they're coming my way...if I can extend my foot in time...damn, I only clipped the little shit's shoe. He barely even stumbled. Sigh.

I started to think...what if I really had some good foot placement and he tripped? At his rate of speed and hardness of the floor or chair leg, he probably would have ended up on the floor convulsing with foam streaming out his mouth. Would I really care? Um, well...not even a little! Yep, I said that.

Did someone say Sausage!