I'm afraid to report that Petrified-Poppy and I have reached our Middle-Age...the Autumn of our lives...not quite the Golden-Years, but I'm afraid those are just around the corner. Those annoying little aches and pains of our 40's are getting worse. For me, it's my knees and thumb joints. I totally get the knee thing cause I've seen the xray. The thumbs, not so much. For Osteo-Poppy, it's a host of other things that I won't talk about cause she doesn't like to talk about getting old.
While having dinner with friends some weeks ago, NanNan told us that she'd been seeing an acupuncturist for arthritis in her ankle. I guess the arthritis was almost debilitating. Anyway, she's had amazing results so that got me to thinking about my knees. I've been to the doc and she's recommended PT, but really, making the muscle stronger isn't going to make the pain go away. Never has before. I wanna run, damn it!
So after some hunting, I found me Anita-The-Acupuncturist. Prior to the appointment, I had to fill out this 5-page intensive intake form. Last night was my first appointment. She asked me all kinds of questions. Stuff like what I eat and drink. Why is it, I feel the need to fib about this stuff? Sometimes, I don't eat breakfast, but I lied and said I eat fruit for breakfast. Rarely do I eat fruit for breakfast. Well, wouldn't you know I'm "cold" so I shouldn't be eating fruit or cold stuff for breakfast. Now I have to backtrack and say I don't always eat fruit for breakfast..."like this morning, I had a hard-boiled egg and it wasn't cold, it was room temperature!"
Evidently, because I'm cold, I need to eat and drink a lot of ginger cause that's considered a "warm" food. That's why the Japanese eat wasabi and spicy ginger with their sushi...not only for the microbial properties in the wasabi, but a little warm (spicy) with the cold balances it all out. Even though that whole yin/yang thing is Chinese. Whatever.
Speaking of yin and yang...there a yin/yang symbol for just about anything...
Creepy Cat-lady Yin/Yang.
Weird aliens things fighting over the Yin/Yang. That's not very nice or balancing!
I don't know what this one is...unisex restroom Yin/Yang?
I heart Yin/Yang.
This one is totally conflicted...
Sing it with me..."He's got the whole Yin and Yang in his hands, he's got the whole Yin and Yang in his hands..."
Mmmm, breakfast Yin/Yang.
I'd like some coffee with my breakfast Yin/Yang!
This one is just wrong! I'm surprised I didn't find a Minkey Yin/Yang...
My favorite: Asscrack Yin/Yang. She wears her pants like this all the time so folks know her Qi is balanced. I tried to figure out if there was an asscrack meridian point and what it represents, but no luck.
Back to business...Anita-The-Acupuncturist asked me to stick out my tongue. Again, I got all nervous and blurted out "But I've had coffee!!" I also flashed back to other time I had to stick out my tongue. I'd had a bunch of Zinfandel the night before and didn't think to brush my tongue. They said I had Black Hairy Tongue and needed to take some drugs for it. The dentist gave me a tongue scaper too. That's disgusting, by the way.
It appears my tongue is pale. Then she said she was going to take my pulse "The Chinese Way." I wasn't sure what that meant other than thinking that she'd take it in my asscrack or something. But no, she took it from my wrist. I guess it's more about how it sounds than where it's taken. Wanna know what mine sounds like? Yeah, it sounds weak and empty. This is not going well at all.
ATA asks me if I'm stressed. Who me? Nah...Her diagnosis is that I'm emotionally tapped. My kidneys and spleen need some serious help. My woman parts need some Chinese herbs. Oh, and let's not even talk about my Qi...
Now it's time for the poking to start. I don't mind needles, I just hate getting my blood taken. Let's see, I got three needles in my left wrist/hand, two on my right, I got one in each ear and one at the top of my head. You know, I wear all this petroleum product in my hair, so again I get all weirded out and say "I swear, my hair isn't dirty, it's petroleum product." I'm not sure, but I think she was about ready to slap me. Anyway, then I got a needle in my forehead, a couple in my knees and a bunch in my feet.
Then she put a heat lamp on my foot and one on my stomach and said she'd be back in 30 minutes. You know, having a bunch of needles stuck in you, laying on some table and having heat lamps searing your skin was oddly relaxing...until the 30 minute timer went off. Geezus! I thought I'd jump out of my skin. Why would you have an obnoxious timer go off after you've been laying there all warm and cozy listening to birds singing and shit? I think that undid all my good Yin/Yang Qi stuff and I think part of my uterus fell out on the table.
We left it where she would send me an email outlining my course of $$$ treatment $$$.
All kidding aside, it was pretty cool. I love this kind of stuff.