My Womb Hurts...

Okay folks, let's talk about the science of the Lady-Bits.

Today is the first day of 2014 and I’ve got cramps…bad. This bites. Stoopid evolution/Cod shit. Whose idea was this? Why does it hurt worse the older I get? By this age, I figure, I’ve done my time with this bleeding crap so it shouldn’t get worse, it should get better. Personally, I should have got a special break (or free shoes from Zappos, for life!) for not wanting a freakin ankle-biter, anyway…

And then I had this epiphany…maybe that’s Mutha-Freakin-Nature’s way of punishing me for not popping out one of those germs with arms and legs. Isn’t that what all this plumbing is for in the first place? Got me to thinking how one-sided this is. So, I decided to consult my Internets to see what they have to say about Menstruation. I love saying Menstruation…you gotta say it slow too…Men-Struuuu-a-tionnnn. Yeah, see that? “Men”struation. Fucking men! (Accept any of you that read my blog…I like you). Okay, here’s what I found and within what I found, I will point out the messed up things about all this:

Menstrual cramps, also known as dysmenorrhea or period pains [really, “period pains”? this was totally written by a guy], are painful sensations felt in the lower abdomen that can occur both before and during a woman's menstrual period. The pain ranges from dull and annoying to severe and extreme. Menstrual cramps tend to begin after an egg is released from the ovaries and travels down the fallopian tube (ovulation).

[I was going to insert a picture of the feMALE reproductive system, but the picture thing on this stoopid blog isn't working!  I tried starting a new blog with a different blog site, but none of them are very intuitive.  It's like you were supposed to be born with the instict to know how to do it...like the younger generation is now.]

There are two primary types of these difficult or painful periods - primary and secondary dysmenorrhea:

Primary dysmenorrhea is the most common type and is characterized by pain in the lower abdomen and lower back pain beginning 1-2 days before the period and lasting from 2 to 4 days. There is no underlying problem that is causing the pain. [Oh hell yes there is an underlying problem. I’ve got a big problem with this whole thing!]

Secondary dysmenorrhea is characterized by cramping pains that are due to an identifiable medical problem such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids, or pelvic inflammatory disease.

Who gets menstrual cramps?

About half of women experience menstrual cramps, and about 15% describe the pain as severe. It has been shown that women who do not exercise experience more painful menstrual cramps. [it has been shown? By who? A man, that’s who. “Yeah, yeah, just go run around the block a couple of times, honey, it’ll be fine!”].

What causes menstrual cramps?

During each menstrual period, if there is no sperm to fertilize the egg, the uterus contracts to expel its lining. This process is driven by the release of hormone-like substances called prostaglandins, which are associated with pain and inflammation in higher levels. These uterine contractions cause much of the pain felt during menstrual cramps because the contractions inhibit blood flow to the lining of the uterus (the endometrium).

[Don’t get me started on that sperm stuff. But, a word about inflammation…in all my reading, and I read a lot, inflammation is like the #1 worst thing for your body. Second worse thing, interrupted sleep. So, we ladies are unable to control this inflammation and those of us that are pari or full-on MENopausal have uncontrollable hot flashes and night sweats that wake us up several times a night. And guess what? Yeah, and exercise should help with that, honey. Bullshit! See what I’m saying?...we, as woMEN, can’t control the shit THEY say we need to control or we’re going to die. What a cock...whoopsie, I mean CROCK!]

In addition, substances known as leukotrienes are also elevated during menstruation, and they may be a cause of menstrual cramps.

Women with delayed sleep phase syndrome are more likely to report irregular menstrual cycles and premenstrual symptoms, as well as menstrual cramps, according to researchers from Northwestern University in Chicago, USA.

Several underlying medical conditions are also capable of causing menstrual cramps. These include:

Endometriosis - the tissue that lines the uterus develops outside the uterus.
Uterine fibroids - noncancerous tumors and growths in the wall of the uterus.
Adenomyosis - the tissue that lines your uterus grows into the muscular walls of the uterus.
Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) - a sexually transmitted infection caused by a bacterium.
[Mmmm hmmm, penis bad, Fatass good!]
Cervical stenosis - the opening of the cervix is small and limits menstrual flow.

What are the symptoms of menstrual cramps?

Symptoms of menstrual include:

Dull, throbbing, cramping pain in the lower abdomen

Pain in the lower back and thighs

Nausea

Vomiting

Sweating

Dizziness

Diarrhea

Loose stools [Yeah, really…we call it Period-Poo]

Constipation

Bloating in your belly area

Headaches

How can menstrual cramps be prevented?

You may be able to prevent menstrual cramps. Recommended preventive measures include:

Eating fruits and vegetables and limiting intake of fat, alcohol, caffeine, salt, and sweets.

Exercising regularly.

Reducing stress.

Quitting smoking.

Yoga or relaxation therapy.

Acupuncture or acupressure.

[How about just yanking out all this plumbing junk, that’ll solve all these problems in one swell foop!]

So, I’m talking to the BFF about all this. We came up with some really good points if men had to endure MENstruation and childbearing:

All business would shut down 3-4 days a month because of all the whining and crying, not to mention vomiting…and you’d get paid for it.

Booze would be free.

Childcare would be free.

Hysterectomies would be consisdered manditory after you have your last child; they would be painless and, yeah, free...No, wait, you'd get paid to have it and you'd get a year's paid vacation.

You would get a free membership to the gym cause all that exercise would make you feel better about you and your shitty body self-image.

Menanine protection would be free.

But really, the world wouldn’t exist today because we know that mens just couldn’t deal with it.

I am not an angry lisbion!! But really, you mens should feel lucky you’re still alive. We only have you around to impregnate us and to poke fun at…all the time.

Seriously, I’m just kidding…Whoa-ho her she comes, watch out boys she’ll chew you up…Whoa-ho here she comes, she’s a MAN-eater.